Once Upon a Razorblade
by ifonlynotnever
Summary: COMPLETE. Kurama POV. This is a story of death and the long road to it. Dying just can't be simple for me, can it?
1. Prologue: Chronicle of a Death

**Once Upon a** **Razorblade**

**A Yu Yu Hakusho Fanfiction**

**By: fluorescentpinkfairies**

Disclaimer: I own no part of Yu Yu Hakusho.

**Prologue: Chronicle of a Death**

----

I don't know why this is important. No, I don't, not at all.

I wasn't ever a Spirit Detective. I was simply one of his friends and a part of his team.

So I don't know why it is so important for me to write this down, or why Koenma even commissioned me to do this in the first place. I expected to receive punishment, both for what I had attempted and accomplished, in my life and in the life before that, as Yoko.

Instead, the junior Lord of the Dead gave me the task of chronicling my death and the events that surrounded it before I am finally, fully judged and sent on my way.

I am told that he will use this to judge me and my intentions, my deepest thoughts, feelings, and motives.

I was also told that there is a good chance it will go into the library here at Spirit World.

Maybe this _is_ my punishment. Maybe I am supposed to remember what I did and what happened. Maybe I am supposed to regret it all.

And maybe I will.

Maybe, in the middle of writing this, I will be overcome with grief and remorse and wish that I was still in Ningenkai, with my family and friends and all the others that I caused to grieve.

But for now, this is simply the chronicle of a death. It is the chronicle of my death. Not my first "death", but rather, my true death.

And somehow, it feels like I'm writing in a journal.

----

**Author's** **Space**

Title of the prologue inspired by the title of Gabriel García Márquez's _Chronicle of a Death Foretold_, which I fully intend to finish reading sometime in the future. Really. I'm going to start now.

This was the prologue.

So in other words, yes, this is multi-chaptered. It was at one point only a string of semi-related one-shots, but then I realized that they were _too_ related to be _just_ one-shots, so I turned it into a series. Unfortunately, then I made up an entire story, at which point I decided to screw it all and make it a regular fanfiction.

Finished ranting. My intentions for this lovely piece of fiction: I fully intend to finish it. I don't know exactly how long it will be, but I have a few chapters already planned/written out. I warn ye now: **ANGST. DEPRESSION.** There are no other words for it, chickadees, and there's no way that I'll change my tune this far ahead in the game. Not fluffy, not funny. This has a specific theme--which you'll have to find out by yourselves.

Don't like it, don't read it. I laugh in the face of flamers who give me absolutely no reasons why they hate the story. Give me a reason and I'll spare you a thought.

Thanks for reading. Please review. **Tell me if this is going in a C2**. I don't want my stories floating around without my knowledge. So go ahead and add it—but tell me at some point that you've done so.

Love for Always, fluorescentpinkfairies


	2. One: I: Finding the Curiosity

**Once Upon a** **Razorblade**

**A Yu Yu Hakusho Fanfiction**

**By: fluorescentpinkfairies**

Chapter Rated: PG-13

Disclaimer: I own no part of Yu Yu Hakusho.

**Part One: Eternally Asking Why**

**Chapter One: Finding the Curiosity**

----

It's so strange.

I wasn't looking for this. And yet, here it is, sitting in my palm.

And I must wonder where it came from.

A simple sliver of metal, one edge of it sharp enough to cut through wood, through soft metal, through paper.

Through skin.

Such an eerie thought, and yet oddly inviting.

Other people do it. Cut themselves, I mean. There is something mentally unstable about them, or so I'm told. Apparently, the pain that they receive from self-mutilation soothes the internal pain that they have.

But is that true? Does it really do that? Or is it simply some sort of psychosomatic (1) reaction?

Curiosity bubbles up inside me, triggered mostly by the fact that I… I've been rather depressed lately. I'm not completely sure why, but I am. After all, I have quite the perfect life. I have a caring mother who does not place unreasonable restrictions upon me. I have a kind step-father and step-brother. I have the top grades in the school. I have friends who are there for me when I need them. I have a good part-time job.

So why am I not satisfied with it?

Why do I feel myself become frustrated and desolate? Why do I just want to lie in bed and never move, never feel?

I kept wondering if it was simply my yoko instincts and feelings starting to surface and trying to motivate me to get out of this body.

But no. There is the sense that this is all me. No yoko instincts involved, except those I retained when I entered this body.

Given the chance to heal, or at least temporarily relieve the pain, the internal pain that I find so hard to contain sometimes—would I? Should I? For the sake of scientific study, maybe…?

_Liar_, that little internal voice says to me. _Liarliarliar._

…No comment.

_Curiosity killed the cat. Satisfaction brought it back,_ the voice continues.

That is my go-ahead.

_Funny thing. Curiosity made the fox slash himself up._

Beads of crimson well up in the minute, paper-cut-like wound I have inflicted upon myself. My heart is beating fast and hard—it always does when I do something 'forbidden'. I wish it would just shut up sometimes; be more like a demon heart.

_Funny thing_, the internal voice repeats. _Satisfaction made him want to do it again._

Tracing the wound deeper, I wait.

And surprisingly, it makes me feel better.

Is it psychosomatic? I have no idea. But it does relieve me in the same way I suspect an anti-depressant would. Not that I've ever taken an anti-depressant, of course.

I hear footsteps ascending up the staircase and I pull down my sleeves. The thin blade is shoved into my desk drawer. And I begin to heal myself, realizing that if anyone finds out what I've done, I will become one of those 'mentally unstable' people.

Those people aren't unstable.

They're right.

----

**Author's Space**

(1) _Psychosomatic—_a reaction that is solely mental. For example, you know those placebo pills—the sugar pills that they have? Sometimes doctors prescribe them to their patients. They have little to no effect, but sometimes, after going on these pills, patients get better simply because the illness—and therefore the cure—was all in his/her head in the first place.

Goes well with _Crying_ by Sugarcult on their _Palm Trees and Power Lines _CD. Usually I'll make a note about my soundtrack for a chapter, just… because… I dunno, maybe you might want it.

The first official chapter: What do you think about it? Tell me in a review/ rant/ critique (I love these)/ flame.

**Tell me if this is going in a C2**. I don't want my stories floating around without my knowledge. So go ahead and add it—but tell me at some point that you've done so.

Love,

fluorescentpinkfairies

----

Questions, Thank You-s, and Other Such Stuff

**Question**: _Will you explain how he died or will we have to guess? (_KaraKurama

**Answer**: Insofar as I know, no, you will not have to guess. Kurama will spill all. But that's only insofar as I know, now isn't it? But feel free to guess. I'm game if you are.

**Thank You-s To:** sakurasango, Shadow In Darkness, KaraKurama, and samuraiduck27. The truth? I didn't expect so many reviews (not to mention such good ones!). Thank you guys so much. You're awesome.


	3. One: II: Relief

**Once Upon a** **Razorblade**

**A Yu Yu Hakusho Fanfiction**

**By: fluorescentpinkfairies**

Disclaimer: I own no part of Yu Yu Hakusho.

Chapter Rated: PG-13

**Part One: Eternally Asking Why**

**Chapter Two: Relief**

----

Faint wisps of blood red hair brush my cheeks as I tilt my head down. A single finger traces the frighteningly pale underside of my arm. I am unscarred and unscathed, even though this body of mine has seen so, so many battles and wounds and life-threatening injuries.

Or rather, I should say that I am physically unscarred.

I wonder sometimes, how I manage to keep sane—or if I am even sane, for that matter. I wonder if all of this has just been some sort of strange delusion.

I wonder what reality is.

The blade sweeps swiftly across my previously unscarred skin. It takes a moment before the thin line of blood rises to the surface.

Drop by drop, the red substance called blood falls into the sink. You really must wonder why something so vivid, so beautiful, has such a bad connotation.

With each plink, it seems that a tiny ounce of my internal pain goes with it.

How did I sink into this? How is it that I only gain relief from _this_?

I don't know.

The razor between my fingers is like a lifeline now. I find myself fingering it in my pocket at odd moments. I find myself in the school bathroom, taking a quick swipe with it before I leave. And I find myself worried that someone will find it and throw it away.

It is like a dirty addiction that I can't seem to get rid of.

The satisfaction of that one tiny cut is starting to wear off and I realize that I want more.

I am a sick, sick person. I don't dare deny it.

So this time, instead of swiping it quickly, I drag it across, unhurried, and let the blood flow down my arm. It flows between my fingers, steady and soothing me. The color is so inviting, so much like the hair that brushes across my field of view.

The flow does not seem to be letting up, I realize. And yet, I can't seem to dredge up the will to stop it myself. I just want to watch the red blood seep out of me. I just want to watch all of that pain seep out of me.

It stops after a while, just when I began to wonder if I would die of blood loss. In fact, my arm is cold and shakes slightly.

Sighing, I run a piece of tissue under cold water and dab around the wound, cleaning up the mess that I made before running the blade under cold water. I place it in the case and pocket it before checking to see that my sleeves are in place.

No one will know about this, or about those thoughts that torment me.

I step out of the bathroom.

"Finally! Jeez, Kurama, you take longer than the girls to get ready!"

I smile sweetly.

"Sorry about that."

----

**Author's** **Space**

Short, yes, I know.

•_Page Avenue_ (the CD) by Story of the Year. Specifically, the guitar intro for the title track, as well as _Razorblades_—the song that finally motivated me to write this entire fic. Because, well, I believe this was the third one-shot that I wrote for the "series".

•**Next Chapter:** Chapter Three: Nicotine

Thanks for reading. Please review/ rant/ critique/ flame. Feel free to ask questions—about the fic, about me, about anything in the world. I don't know if I'll have an answer, but it's good to ask, right?

And Merry Christmas, if you happen to celebrate it. If not, then Happy Holidays, even if yours has already past (as I know Hanukkah is).

Love,

fluorescentpinkfairies

**Thank You:**

sakurasango

KaraKurama

Kyoka

samuraiduck27


	4. One: III: Nicotine

**Once Upon a** **Razorblade**

**A Yu Yu Hakusho Fanfiction**

**By: fluorescentpinkfairies**

Chapter Rated: PG/PG-13

Disclaimer: I own no part of Yu Yu Hakusho.

**Part One: Eternally Asking Why**

**Chapter Three: Nicotine**

----

"Hey, Kurama, what's up?"

I snap out of my musings.

My dark, twisted musings…

He must have noticed the slight frown on my face.

"Oh, nothing, Yuusuke. Simply thinking."

"Oh." The Spirit Detective glances around the food court.

Somehow, he managed to talk me into coming on an outing with him, Kuwabara, Keiko, and Shizuru to the mall. I had thought that he might want to be alone with Keiko for a while before we get called for another mission, but apparently, Yuusuke wants as many chaperones as he can get.

The girls went to some shop or other quite a while ago, and told us to "sit tight in the food court" until they returned. Kuwabara is on his third shake, Yuusuke on his fourth, and I on my second. And they still have not come back.

The urging, the call—it tugs at me, tugs at me so hard that I feel I may heed its call, even though this is a public place, where I am with my friends.

I wait through it, as patiently as I can, for a few more minutes. These few minutes drag on and on and on.

"Gah! Where _are_ they?!" Kuwabara bursts out suddenly. "We shoulda never gone to the _mall_, Urameshi! This is the stupidest idea you've ever come up with!"

"Yeah, whatever! It wasn't my idea in the first place!"

"May I make a suggestion?" I put in before they make a spectacle of themselves in the middle of the food court. They look turn to me.

"I will go looking for them. If I have not found them within thirty minutes, then I will return here."

They think on this for a minute.

"Sounds good. See, Kuwabara, why didn't you think of that?"

"Shut up! You didn't think of it, either!"

I smile and leave.

Thank the gods they don't know. They wouldn't understand it at all.

As I turn the corner, I realize that the men's bathroom is apparently filled to capacity, for there is a line that trails outside it.

I bite my lip.

_Addiction. Addictionaddictionaddiction, _that inner voice whispers. _Terrible, isn't it?_

Yes, it is.

I hate it and I love it.

I do keep my word, of course. I go looking for Shizuru and Keiko—as well as for a place to satisfy my craving.

Ah, there. The stairwell, secluded and away from prying eyes. No one uses it anymore, that I'm sure of. The escalator is much more convenient, and thus the staircase is reserved only for emergencies.

Such as this.

There is nowhere to catch the blood as it slides down my arm, but that isn't my main concern anymore. No, I just want to get this over with so that I can go back to Yuusuke and Kuwabara and tell them that I haven't seen the girls.

I prepare for another cut, savoring the feeling of pain as it makes its way d—

The scent of burning tobacco.

"Shizuru."

It barely escapes my throat.

She stands against the wall, barely visible in the dim light of the stairwell, the embers of her lit cigarette glowing as she exhales a cloud of smoke.

"Don't let me interrupt you," she says calmly, and I see her shrug before she lifts the cigarette to her lips, taking a long drag on it.

I stare at her.

"If you want to do something self-destructive, go ahead. I'm not exactly a poster child for healthy living, either, now am I?"

She half-grins at me.

"Besides, I'd be a little worried if you were as perfect as everyone thinks you are."

----

**Author's Space**

•Soundtrack: _This Photograph is Proof (I Know You Know)_ by Taking Back Sunday on the _Spiderman II _soundtrack.

•Written because I approve of Shizuru-Kurama, though I have a feeling it would be a pairing ridden by angst and dark romance and such. Also because she's one of the only ones I could think of who wouldn't judge him for cutting.

•**Next Chapter:** Chapter Four: Desensitization

Thanks for reading. Please review. Or rant. Or flame. But I like critiques the best. You know my C2 policy.

Love,

fluorescentpinkfairies


	5. One: IV: Desensitization

Disclaimer: I own no part of Yu Yu Hakusho.

**Part One: Eternally Asking Why**

**Chapter Four: Desensitization**

----

It's not working. Why isn't it working anymore? Why?

The need has been building up in me for days now, possibly the longest amount of time for me to go without cutting myself in ages. And now that I have finally found my razorblade once again, _it—won't—work!_

Frustration fills my throat and I bite back the urge to cry out or do something destructive, not to myself but to the things that surround me in the bathroom.

What is it? I wonder as the blade sweeps across my skin time and time again, over and over until my bared arm is a mess. I start on the other one, hoping that it will work this time as I make slow, deliberate cuts that trace deep, as well as more superficial cuts that do nothing more than sting but do nothing to satisfy this seemingly insatiable craving.

I am not trying to kill myself. I'm not trying to kill myself. I am _not!_ No matter what anyone says about people like me, I am not trying to kill myself. I am not—not—not.

_So why, pray tell, are you slashing yourself up?_

I hate that inner voice. I wish it would just shut up or die or _something_, just—just stop taunting me.

Why won't it work?

Frustration keeps bubbling up inside me, wanting to be manifested in so many ways. It wants me to throw something across the room, to scream, to sob until my eyes ache.

I keep cutting until, finally, I give up.

It doesn't work anymore.

The thought echoes hollowly through my mind, leering at me and making me feel sick to my stomach. The reality of it all hits me and the frustration drains away, quickly replaced by weariness and something else, something that seems so much like defeat. But I can't be so easily defeated, not by something this stupid. Maybe if I wait a day and sleep on it, it will work. Maybe, I will feel that wonderful pain coursing through my veins and I'll feel better. But maybe, I'm lying to myself because I _want_ it to be true.

It doesn't work.

Is it for the best?

I place the razorblade carefully in the sink before pressing my back into the wall. Slowly, I slide down to sit on the cool white tile.

Is it for the best?

I don't know, I decide as I stare at my bloodstained forearms. I really don't know. Maybe it is. Maybe I've grown too accustomed to my self-destructive addiction. Maybe I should stop being so selfish. Maybe I should stop thinking about myself and _my_ pain. Maybe I should think of my friends and my mother and all of those other people in my life. Maybe.

What am I going to do now?

Why am I such a mess? Why couldn't I have just been satisfied with the way that I was and the way that my life was?

Why can't things simply go back to the way they were? Why is it too late to turn back?

_Because this is the way things are_, the inner voice says to me.

----

**Author's Space**

Okay. Currently, I'm writing up the third part of this wonderful work of fiction (though proofreading sucks). Though I hate giving away even the tiniest of hints beyond the title of the next chapter, I have a rather big question to pose before you: How old is Kurama's stepbrother? If you have no idea what I'm talking about, that's okay, half of the time I don't know what I'm talking about, either.

•Written while listening to _Way Away_ by Yellowcard and _Numb_ by Linkin Park.

•_Desensitization—_a method used by Andy Warhol in his silkscreens. The viewer becomes so accustomed to the picture, that by the time they reach the final image, any/all feelings that they had about the original are now gone.

•**Next Chapter:** Chapter Five: Watch Me Die—_and no, people it's not the final chapter. There's a lot more, believe it or not._

What do you think about it? Tell me. I don't care how—whether critique or flame. And I'm looking for staff for my C2, so if you're interested, or just want details, tell me, okay?

----

**Warmest Thank You-s (Ch 3 and 4)**

KaraKurama 

Kyoka: I can relate to it, too. I suppose that's the reason why the words seem to flow so well from my brain to my fingers.

sakurasango: You consistently leave reviews for me on just about every story I've written so far—So I've gotta say thanks so much for all your support.

Shadow In Darkness: Sick? No, definitely not. I, too, have fallen in love with angst stories because, yes, they carry much more depth than any other fanfiction.

samuraiduck27

Kuranga108: As I said, that was the reason why I chose Shizuru—she would keep his secret for a while longer. Yes, I agree that Shizuru should have told, but it wouldn't be very in-character for her.

Lady Shiriana

Kurama's Angel: Thank you very much—I'm particularly picky at how I word things, and I'm glad it didn't go unnoticed.

Kodaijin Hiei

**Questions****  
**  
_**Question**:_ …But why does your Kurama cut? More over than simple depression… was there a cause? (Kodaijin Hiei)  
_**Answer**:_ There are three reasons, actually. At first he cut out of curiosity, and to see if the rumors about cutting were true, though it became addictive. Also, Kurama's depression isn't simple—it's deep and complex. It's the type of thing where you're not sure what you're feeling so depressed and angry over, but you just _are_. It's hard to deal with, and unless you have an escape, the feeling makes you irritable, self-destructive, and so miserable that sometimes, you wish you would never move again. The third reason is confidential, unfortunately, because it's a part of the future plot.


	6. One: V: Watch Me Die

**Once Upon a Razorblade**

Disclaimer: I own no part of Yu Yu Hakusho.

**Part One: Eternally Asking Why**

**Chapter Five: Watch Me Die**

----

Here I am, among the trees that grow so close to Master Genkai's temple. I feel so at home amongst these powerful creatures that surround me…

Sometimes I just want to give up living. I want to forget everything around me and slip into a deep slumber, never to wake again. I simply want to die.

I never felt these things so deeply, so fully as I do now.

Death...

The very word is sweet on my tongue.

I am through with it all. I am through with the deception, with the pain, with the sorrow. I am through with it.

The darkness, the wonderful darkness that death offers to me...

...I am drawn to it.

I am drawn to death. I simply want it to come for me. I want it to consume me. I want it to take me away from all of this. Gods, how much I want death to claim me.

I'm so tired. I'm so tired of this life, of this plan, of all of it. I want out, and there is no other way. My other way of coping with the world, with life in general, stopped helping me a long time ago.

Cutting--self-mutilation--doesn't work anymore.

I'm so tired of the doubts and fears, of the unattainable goals, of the disappointments, and of the nightmares.

So what if there is no honor in suicide? I can't stand it. I love the feeling of sweet, sweet death, descending upon me. I love the way that _all_ of my feeling simply dims away. I love the way that the cold rushes in on me, like a bird—a crow, perhaps—swooping down on its prey.

As my eyelids grow heavier, I can't help but feel that beautiful feeling of happiness as it rushes into my heart.

The ties that bind me to the mortal realm have been severed. All I feel is the sharp wind against my cheeks. I love the darkness. I love death.

I can almost see Botan now…

"What are you doing?!"

The voice is so far away that I almost don't hear it. I don't want to hear it, either, because it is simply a part of what I was trying to escape.

"What are you doing?! What?! Kurama, you stupid, _stupid_, fox!"

I can feel the sensation of a punch, a hard one, being thrown against my cheek.

Stimulus: pain. Response: my eyes snap open.

No...

Yuusuke stands above me.

I hate him.

Why take me away from something I love? Why? Just leave me alone. Leave me to deal with my problems. Just leave.

I close my eyes once more. Maybe he'll just leave.

"STUPID!"

I wait for the blow that surely follows that statement, and sure enough, it hits me. This time, I am prepared, and I don't flinch, instead sinking deeper and deeper into my bliss.

"What happened?" Kuwabara asks softly.

"He slit his wrist, that stupid bastard," Yuusuke answers.

Their voices become faint, so faint.

Will I finally be free? Will I finally be _free_? I can hardly dare to hope.

"Can't we help him?!"

No! I curl over onto my side, a sign that I don't want them to do anything-nothing at all.

"Hn. If he wants it so badly, let him have it. Hypocritical bastard," Hiei mutters. "Coward. He runs away like a frightened mouse."

...What?

A _frightened mouse_? I am a _youko_-

Ah. He tries to provoke me.

"Get his mother."

What?! No! No, she can't see me like this! She wouldn't be able to bear it.

Will she be able to bear the fact that he son committed the worst sin possible-suicide? Will she be able to bear the fact that I am so unhappy, so tired of it all...?

She will think it's her fault.

Why? Why can't it just be simple? Why can't I just _die_, not thinking of the consequences? Why?

"No..."

"'No' what?" Hiei taunts.

"Don't..."

"She has a right to see her selfish 'son' cower in his self-pity like the weak fool he is," he spits out at me, venom in each and every word.

"Hiei!" Yuusuke and Kuwabara shout at him.

"I will do it."

I crack my eyes open only the slightest bit and find the crimson eyes that are so fiercely focused on me. And I find that he _will_ do it, if only to save me.

Why? Why save _me_ when his own soul needs salvation as well?

"Why...?"

"Hn."

The threat never leaves his eyes, and I feel the urge to smile, to laugh at this cold-hearted demon. I want to laugh at him, if only to let out the hysteria that rises to the surface of my being.

So I give him a smile, small and sardonic.

Fine.

I will play your game, Hiei. Except, when I gather my energy, I find...

Fate is a fox, tricky and sly and cruel.

And now, she has stolen my last ounce of energy away.

So when I actually want to heal myself, to escape from death, I no longer can.

"...Too late..."

And then I fall down, down, down, into the abyss they call death...

--

**End Part One: Eternally Asking Why **

--

**Author's Space**

Cliffhangers are not an abomination. They are an art. But if you thought this was the end, you've got another thing coming, because we've got a long way to go.

Candy for anyone who catches the allusion to Karasu.

Next Chapter: Chapter Zero: Interlude. I'm going to warn you now, though: the next chapter is really short and may seem pointless.

Review. Remember my C2 policy. Thanks so much for reading up to this point.

Love,

Fluorescent

* * *

**Thanks To:**

**samuraiduck27**

**All names r taken**—I know. I had to take this story to school in pieces because my friend couldn't handle reading them all at once.

**sakurasango**

**Kodaijin Hiei**—That's all right. Thanks so much for your help!

**Darkrose**—Yeah, me, too. When I compare this with my diary entries… it's scary.

**Kyoka**

**Kurama's** **Angel**—Coolness. I try poetry every so often, but I'm not particularly fond of how it comes out. Ah, well.


	7. Interlude: Tick Tock

**Once Upon a Razorblade**

**Disclaimer**: I own no part of Yu Yu Hakusho.

_Interlude: Tick-Tock_

----

_A blue ogre peers into the room that has been set aside for a certain redhead._

_"Uh, Kurama?"_

_The person at the desk does not move. Jorge moves closer, raising his voice a little louder to make sure that he draws attention to himself._

_"Kurama, Lord Koenma sent me over to check... up on you...?" the ogre trails off, not quite sure what to make of the young man who is so avidly peering at his wrist, tracing invisible lines in the unflawed skin._

_Suddenly, emerald eyes dart up at the ogre, sharp and hostile, and Jorge nearly leaps away, catching himself just in time. The eyes turn softer almost as abruptly, and the young man smiles._

_Though, it is a cynical smile, and makes him seem very worthy of the worldly reputation that he has received as a youko._

_"Er... Lord Koenma sent me to check up on you," the ogre says cautiously._

_"So you said," Kurama replies quietly._

_"And he wanted to know if you needed anything and how much more time you'll need to do this…project."_

_The red-head sighs._

_"Tell Koenma I will inform him when I am ready. His disruptions simply prolong the span of time I require."_

_"Uh, yessir."_

_Gulp._

----

**Author's Space**

This is almost pointless. It is short, but it is an interlude. I hope everyone knows what an interlude is.

If not, then look it up by yourself. What the hell do you think I am, a freaking dictionary?

_Drake: After that (or before, if that is thy wish), then be sure to review or critique or flame or rant. After all, we don't give a damn if you don't give a damn._

Next Chapter: Part Two: _Sweetest Lullaby_; Chapter One: _Why In a Mother's Eyes_

Love,

Fluorescent

**PS:** Oh, and, by the way, I've got a lot of space on my C2 for new staff—details are on my profile. I'd be eternally grateful if any of my wonderful readers decided to join…

…And about my readers, thank you to: _Kuranga108_, **Ryukotsusei**, Kodaijin Hiei, _samuraiduck27_, and **Hikari no Ohjisan**.


	8. Two: I: 'Why' in a Mother's Eyes

**Once Upon a Razorblade**

**Disclaimer**: I own no part of Yu Yu Hakusho.

**Part Two: Sweetest Lullaby**

**Chapter One: 'Why' In a Mother's Eyes**

----

White.

No other colors.

Just white.

This, I know, is not the color of Reikai. So where am I? How did I get here?

I hear the sound of weeping.

I shift my eyes to the side.

The blurred image clears slowly, and I am suddenly staring into brown eyes that I faintly recall seeing many times before.

They are my mother's eyes.

And I faintly wonder: Why are tears flowing from them?

Then I close my eyes and drift back to sleep.

----

Her eyes are on me again. I can feel it, even as I drift into something that is slowly resembling consciousness. I can feel her hand in mine, her thumb as it strokes the back of my hand. I can feel her fingers brush strands of hair out of my face. I can feel them trace an indistinguishable pattern into my face. And I can feel the way those fingers shake, almost as though my mother is holding in some sort of deep emotion that is struggling to free itself, no matter the consequences.

I feel the urge to open my eyes, to see her face and to watch her as she has undoubtedly watched me for the past few hours.

If only my eyelids didn't feel so heavy...

I manage to open them enough, though, and turn my gaze on her. Her eyes widen slightly.

"Shuuichi..." she whispers. As I watch, her eyes fill with crystal clear tears and her hand tightens on mine. And then she asks me something she has probably been wondering for a long time now. "Shuuichi... Why?"

"'Why' what?" I mumble.

And now it is in that instant, the moment after I ask, that I remember where I am. The memories come rushing back to me like a blow to the head.

Why indeed.

I can't completely remember what I was thinking, actually.

However, before either of us may speak again, a woman in a white doctor's jacket strides into the room and comes to stand next to my mother. A nurse hurries in behind her.

"So you're awake, Shuuichi," the doctor states, her voice stern.

"Yes."

She glances at me over the tops of her glasses. Apparently she didn't want an answer.

"You caused quite a panic, young man. There aren't many O negative blood donors, you know. With so much blood lost, we almost couldn't bring you back."

Is that supposed to cheer me up?

"Furthermore, young man, upon further examination of your state of being, we noticed two things. The first: that your little incident was completely intentional. Your mother has scheduled you for a meeting with a school psychiatrist, Mr. Minamino. The second: You seem to have contracted a disease of the blood, which is quite rare and, in most cases, fatal. Nur—"

"Dr. Ishinomori to the ER," comes over the P.A. system, and the doctor practically flies out of the room.

"Nurse, give him the details!" she calls to her before disappearing down the hallway.

And I just sit in my bed and wonder what... just... happened.

"Well, it's rather complicated…"

I'm... going... to die...?

"…The usual symptoms are pain throughout the body, exhaustion, and occasionally, a temporary loss of circulation. Also, a tendency to become extremely depressed may occur…"

That would explain a lot.

"Mrs. Minamino, your son will be put on a medicine to counteract most of the symptoms, including the pain. However, there is a problem with the conflicting chemicals in this medicine and those in the antidepressants that Dr. Ishinomori was planning to prescribe to your son. She wrote everything down on here…"

And after the nurse hands my mother the slip of paper, she leaves us.

"Shuuichi," my mother whispers. "Why did it have to be you?"

I'm going to die.

"Why did it have... to be... _you_?" It seems so much like she just cannot believe; that she is going to break down at any moment.

_This is what you wanted, isn't it? Are you happy now?_

"Why couldn't it have been me?"

It's funny how that inner voice has a soft, regretful, almost gentle tone.

"Mother..." I half-sigh.

_You weren't really thinking about it, were you?_

"Why?" Her tears overflow, and she buries her head in her hands.

I squeeze her hand with all the strength I have and blink away the stubborn tears that seem to be intent on rising to my eyes. Needless to day that the youko within is shaking his head in disgust.

Why indeed.

----

**Author's Space**

Soundtrack: PREDILECTION, Nittle Grasper (Yamaguchi Kappei as Sakuma Ryuichi).

I don't believe they ever say what Kurama's blood type is in the manga. In here, it's O negative, meaning he can only receive blood from O negative donors, and, consequently, Rh negative donors are supremely rare.

The disease: I made it up. I was too tired to come up with the scientific reasons, or to look up an actual disease. I'm 14. I'm lazy. Deal with it.

Yes, Shiori is Mrs. Hatanaka by now, not Mrs. Minamino. However, it's a mistake that a hospital might make, and I'm trying to make this seem real, okay? Aside from my birth, I haven't stepped foot in a hospital.

Just so you know, yes, I did have this part of the plot in the works since before I posted this; hence the summary. Read carefully and you'll see it was there all along. Cookies to anyone who guessed that I'd do this, though.

**Next Chapter:** Chapter Two: Afraid You'll Jump?

Review, etc.. Sorry for the holdup, by the way—I had to finish finals before I could post this.

Love,

Fluorescent

_**Thank You So Much:**_

**Kyoka**: Thank you! You flatter me so much… 

**samuraiduck27**

**Cpegasus**

**Silverlie**

**Blackfoxi**: As you can see, he's not quite dead yet, although he did slit his wrist. I really think you should go ahead and write down and post that dream of yours—I'd certainly read it because, yes, it does sound extremely beautiful. Candy for catching the allusion to Karasu, and don't worry—super long reviews are adored.

**Kurama's Angel**

**Kuranga108**

**Darkrose**

**sakurasango**

**shadow dragon**: Candy for you for getting the allusion—and as you can see, no.


	9. Two: II: Afraid You'll Jump?

**Once Upon a Razorblade**

Disclaimer: I own no part of Yu Yu Hakusho.

**Part Two: Sweetest Lullaby**

**Chapter Two: Afraid You'll Jump?**

-

I think she has forgiven me for attempting suicide. At least, that is what I believe. I'm not _quite_ sure. I hope so, because if she is angry at me for that as well as for somehow contracting a lethal disease, I daresay her head will explode.

Which is a completely mean thing to say about my own mother, but I've been on medication for the past two and a half days, my attempt to commit suicide was foiled - twice, may I add - and it's getting extremely boring simply sitting in this room and doing _nothing_.

I have the gifts given to me by fangirls, but they have been warned off the hospital grounds.

Funny how they have completely changed their view of me. From perfect student to tragic, sensitive young man - they seem to still want me, though for what reason, I'm completely unsure.

I do have the feeling that they were simply hanging around because of the rather inconvenient dress code that hospitals always seem to institute for the poor individuals (such as myself) who are confined to bed for days on end. And it really is quite inconvenient. It gets rather breezy back there.

The medication has been going to my head. It really has.

Or at least, that is what I pleaded after they found me frantically pulling out the IVs and monitors that were so kindly pushed into the veins and arteries and capillaries of my arms.

On topic, however, Mother has finally allowed my friends to enter the room, though they've been told to go in one or two at a time.

So here Yuusuke is, frowning at me in the seat beside this ridiculous bed.

Can he do nothing but frown? Really, I'm in the hospital at the moment - in part because of him, I remember - and isn't he supposed to be cheering me up or something else of that nature?

Really.

"Yuusuke, I would appreciate it greatly if you would stop glaring at me," I say politely, and plaster a just as polite smile on my face.

"Huh" he half-laughs. "Glaring at you? You almost _killed yourself_, Kurama. I have every damn right to glare at you. What the hell were you thinking?"

I shrug non-committally.

"Don't give me that! We're part of the same team, remember! What happened to all that bullshit about being redeemed and not killing yourself and all that other crap you spout?"

"That is not why I did it, Yuusuke."

"Then what the hell?"

I don't answer, simply turn to look out the window and wait until he storms out, slamming the door behind him.

The door opens and shuts once more and I wait for the next person to begin lecturing me.

"Hey, there. You don't mind if I smoke in here, do you?" I turn to see Shizuru fingering that metallic lighter she always seems to have with her and sinking into the chair.

"Not particularly. Though I suspect the fire alarm would go off."

Shizuru looks up and sees the circular mechanism attached to the ceiling.

"The windows open, don't they? No? They afraid you'll jump?" she asks.

"Something like that."

She sighs.

"You're a little idiot, aren't you? For being a fox and all, I'd've thought you'd have a bigger brain. What? Don't look so pissed off. I'm just saying that having self-destructive habits and actually killing yourself are two different things. Similar, yes, but different, too." She shrugs. "Whatever."

We sit in silence for a while longer until she gets up to leave, wishing me farewell and get better.

"Shizuru," I call before she leaves.

"Yeah?"

"Did my mother tell you about..."

She closes the door once more.

"About your illness?"

I nod.

"Yeah. While Yuusuke was in here, so I think he's going to probably go think things over for a while after Kazuma tells him." She shrugs. "Just be sure to get better, got it?"

I nod and smile as she exits.

"I will."

And I know that Shizuru knows I won't.

-

**Author's Space**

Yeah, yeah.

Soundtrack: _Only_ _Hope_, Switchfoot version, _A Walk to Remember_ soundtrack.

**Next Chapter**: Chapter Three: Yes.

Review, whatever, whatever. C2 policy-you remember it. I know you do.

Love,

Drake (too tired to spell the other one out)

_Editing on this site was screwy. Just so you know, most of Yuusuke's questions were supposed to end in exclamation points followed by question marks. It pissed me off that it wasn't working._

* * *

**Thank You**

**_samuraiduck27_**

**Marysmary**

**_ineXpressible_** - I liked what you said in your first review: "Almost cynically smart." I never thought of it that way, but that was the way I always wanted to characterize Kurama. Thanks.

**Kuranga**

**_Silverlie_**and **sakurasango - **If you hated the doctor, you're probably gonna hate the psychiatrist, too. But that's in the third part, so... Thanks so much for the reviews!

**_Niana Kuonji_** - Your review made me laugh because destiny really is screwing him over, isn't it?

**Nakoudo - **You're certainly welcome to archiving it - thanks so much.

**_Kurama's Angel_**


	10. Two: III: Yes

**Once Upon a Razorblade**

Disclaimer: I own no part of Yu Yu Hakusho.

**Part Two: Sweetest Lullaby**

**Chapter Three: Yes**

-

I'm tired. Not just mentally. Physically, too.

My head pounds and I simply want to sleep.

Or do something else, but as I well know, it's nigh on impossible to do anything under the watch of the nurse assigned to me. The lock on my bathroom door was even dismantled, just in case I tried anything.

I'm going to be in the hospital for another day, and then I will be sent home, transferred to the guard of a school psychiatrist.

Joy.

I shift a bit, not quite comfortable in this bed for some strange reason, though it could very well be the presence of an unfamiliar person in my room - the nurse who is supposed to watch over me, but who has now been lulled to sleep by the wonderful scent that rises above the almost unbearable stench of the hospital.

The scent of roses.

It's quite amazing that I was even able to cultivate them properly. I have the sneaking suspicion that when Genkai came to visit, she somehow put a limit on the energy that I am able to expend.

Sly old hag. Though I doubt she knows the extent to which my knowledge of plants (and therefore plant poisons) reaches, she probably realizes that I could easily summon a plant with enough harmful properties to make it seem like an accident.

Ah, well.

I suddenly become aware of yet another presence in the room; one that I am very well acquainted with.

"Hiei," I whisper so that the nurse does not awaken.

"Hn," is all that he mutters as he leans against the door.

"Come to lecture me?" I ask, almost cheerful.

"Idiot. Why should I waste my time? I know you, fox. You're too stubborn to see it any other way than your own."

I smile thinly.

"And you, Hiei? Do you listen to what others advise?"

"Hn. I value my independence, Kurama."

I raise an eyebrow.

"Exactly how is that relevant?"

Hiei snorts, though not loud enough to wake the sleeping woman in my room.

"I would rather not depend on any other fool to advise me when I know exactly what I should do."

Which is why you - _we_, actually - work for Koenma, isn't it, Hiei?

I have always wondered on that. No matter what, Hiei always comes back to us, even if it is only at the very end - always. Strange. Mayhap he finds himself inescapably entangled in this fate as one of Koenma's lackeys - as much as it pains me to think _I_ am, in truth, one of these "lackeys". Indeed, that youko portion of my brain is screaming out its enragement.

I suddenly wonder if Hiei has run into Yuusuke and the others yet, and if so, I wonder if they told him about my sickness. I'm not sure why I'm so eager to get this out into the air, but I am. It gives me something think about, perhaps. I have no idea.

I am beginning to think that another symptom of this sickness is a loss of a previously expansive attention span.

"Why are you still here?"

I snap out of my thoughts.

"I attempted su-"

Hiei looks at me in irritated annoyance.

"You are no longer weak. Why are you still here?" he repeats.

I sigh, smile, and turn my head to look out the window and stare out at the moon that shines so brightly in all its luminescent glory.

"Because."

Hiei waits. I can practically hear him roll his eyes.

"I am going to die."

He snorts.

"What, did it only _just_ occur to you that humans die eventually?" he asks snidely, in regular Hiei fashion.

I don't feel like rising to the bait that he sets out, though I may have if I hadn't been in this damn uncomfortable bed, watching the moon in all its tarnished beauty with the scent of roses only barely covering up the wretched smell of the hospital.

"I know my soul would probably not be able to take another journey into another body, and a permanent transformation into Youko would be no good. I'm tired of running away from death like a _'frightened mouse'_, as you once said."

I turn back to Hiei, who looks impassive as ever, though his eyes seem to portray only the mildest of emotions: disbelief. Ah. I cannot blame him, either.

"Oh, please, fox. As if _you _would die so easily."

And then he's gone.

"Shuuichi, are you all right?" the nurse asks groggily.

"Yes," I reply.

Yes...

-

**Author's Space**

At last! Hiei interaction! Yeah, I know, I know.

"Hold nothing. If you meet Buddha, kill him. If you meet the patriarchs, kill them. Free of all, bound by nothing, you live your life simply as it is." -Koumyou Sanzo/Genjyo Sanzo, _Gensomaden_ _Saiyuki_, Kazuya Minekura. That's what gets me into a sort of Hiei mindset.

Written when I was so tired my eyes stung. At least I did it, okay?

Soundtrack: Eh... Oddly enough, _I'll Meet You There_, Simple Plan, _No Pads, No Helmets... Just Balls._

**Next Chapter**: Chapter Four: Childhood

Review or flame, critique, rant... Long reviews are adored beyond belief.

* * *

**Thank You / Review Responses**

**samuraiduck27**

**Niana Kuonji**

**ineXpressible - **Thanks. I really like Shizuru as a character because she's got the potential to be used in ways that can help or build up the plot. And because she's got a really complex personality.

**Silverlie** - YEAH! ...Sorry. Your review really made me laugh.

**Kodaijin Hiei**

**Kuranga108 - **You flatter me with the highest forms of complement! I love all the characters in Yu Yu Hakusho, but I'm not always sure that I portray them the right way, so I'm really thankful when I get reviews like yours!

**Kyoka**

**Adilande - **...I love you. Well, I mean, it's my ego that loves you, but... Really. You know how to flatter a person. Thanks so much.


	11. Two: IV: Childhood

**_-NOTE-_** : If I ever talk about Kurama's stepbrother, I'll spell it 'Shuichi', with one "u" as opposed to two.

* * *

**Once Upon a Razorblade**

Disclaimer: I own no part of Yu Yu Hakusho.

**Part Two: Sweetest Lullaby**

**Chapter Four: Childhood**

Today is the final day of my "captivity" in the hospital. I am going home, to the place where I suppose it all began, once upon a time, once upon a razorblade.

There is a part of me that wants to leave; to free myself from that stifling gloom that is the most obvious component of the hospital. There is a part of me that still believes that if I return home, normalcy will be forthcoming - that _wants_ normalcy to be forthcoming.

And yet there is that part - buried not so deeply beneath a thin layer of easily disturbed thoughts - that wishes I could go anywhere _but_ home. Because I know that the trust between myself and my mother has been breached. Because I know that the home - the quiet, comfortable atmosphere of home that I once enjoyed - that I knew has been destroyed by none other than me.

And still, I realize that by doing this, by going back, I am causing my mother relief, at the very least. And even if I cannot make her truly happy, that peace of mind is something.

Even though I am a terrible son; even though I have this _youko_ within me, telling me to hate her and all humans; even though I have this internal instinct to just leave her, I love Shiori more than I ever thought I could.

So I sit in the car, watching the scenery that rushes by me and I await my quickly approaching homecoming.

"Shuuichi, are you all right?"

My head snaps to the woman in the driver's seat.

"Yes, I'm fine. Why do you ask?"

My mother gives a small smile and a shrug.

"You've just been so quiet lately. I was wondering if something was wrong."

_Aside from the most obvious something, Mother?_

"No. I was just thinking of how wonderful it will be to get back home."

I was rather expecting Yuusuke and the others to be here when I stepped out of the car. I have no idea where I got that idea from, but I'm not disappointed that they are nowhere in sight. I haven't seen anyone since that last visit.

It's fine. I'm sitting in my room, watching the night as it comes upon the world so swiftly. One moment, I am watching the sunset, and the next, I am watching the stars glint in the sky. The moonlight is foggy, as clouds sit before the moon.

The house is quiet. My stepbrother is in his room, warned against entering mine by my mother and stepfather.

Speaking of Hatanaka, I suppose he doesn't feel confident enough of our stepfather-stepson relationship yet to approach me with much more than a "Welcome home, Shuuichi," and a pat on the shoulder.

It isn't too late, but one of the side effects of the medication I've been put on is drowsiness. The instant that my head hits the pillow, I feel sleep struggle to overtake me. Time, as I struggle not to succumb to the allure of drug-induced slumber, ceases to be at all rational or understandable, as it usually is before one plunges into The Void That is Not Death.

"Shuuichi," I hear my mother murmur as she creeps into my room. Her gentle fingers pull the blankets over me and brush hair out of my face. Her arms encircle me and hold me tight, as she did so many years ago in my childhood. I feel the press of her lips against my cheek and temple and I hear her whisper.

"I love you, Shuuichi."

And like the sweetest of a child's lullabies, it is those words that finally send me to sleep.

End Part Two: Sweetest Lullaby

**Author's Space**

Yes, yes. I probably should've warned you that this chapter would be spun sugar in comparison with most of the rest of the story. Part Three coming up soon...

Soundtrack: _Sign Off_, Sugarcult, _Palm Trees and Powerlines_

Next Chapter: Chapter Zero: Interlude: Summons

You know what to do. Once again, I'm eternally grateful for long reviews.

Love,

fluorescent

* * *

**Thank You / Responses**

**samuraiduck27**

**ineXpressible -**You know what they say: _Misery loves company_. I think that most suicidal people would want a little bit of sympathy, at least, just so they can snap back with a, _"You don't understand - you don't know how it feels to be me." _However, it's probably better to be exposed to someone like Hiei, rather than the sympathetic type. And a fun fact: The Genkaithing was one of thelast additions to the chapter.

**Aseret Kitsune**

**Kuranga108 **- It's a real paradox, isn't it? Hiei's the only one who could possibly make Kurama listen to reason, but he's doesn't really know it and doesn't want to try it...

**Niana Kuonji** - Oh, yeah, _Saiyuki_is awesome. It's one of my favorite Sanzo quotes, too. I like Koumyou Sanzo's birds quote a lot, too. And it's really funny - I have a tendency to kill off the characters that I really love. But that doesn't make re-reading the chapters any less sad for me.

**GreenEyedFloozy - **Um... Your last review was one of the most emotional that I've ever gotten. I'm not writing this out of true experience, no, only through some very real depression.

**Kyoka**

**sakurasango** - Thank you! You're a pretty great authoress, yourself. Though Kurama's fate was predestined, I drew a lot of inspiration from _Live Like You Were Dying_.

**HarmonyHanyou - **YEAH! Switchfoot is beyond awesome. Heheh.


	12. Interlude: Summons

**Once Upon a Razorblade**

Disclaimer: I own no part of Yu Yu Hakusho. But steal my plot and you will suffer.

_Interlude: Summons_

_Botan peers into the room, her now-somber eyes scanning the familiar form._

_"Well, Koenma, sir, what was it you wanted?"_

_The junior Lord of the Dead sighs._

_"Listen up, Botan. I'm going to let you see him."_

_"Wha—?"_

_"Kurama. But you must promise me not to speak to him or not to let him know that you're there or anything! Got it?"_

_Botan is at a loss for words._

_"But, sir... Why?"_

_Koenma sighs._

_"You haven't been doing your job right. Yuusuke hasn't been doing his job right. No one's been doing their job right since Kurama's gotten here. We can't afford for this to be happening. Yuusuke has a major case coming up. He can _not_ have any distractions." Koenma sighs again._

_"All I want you to do, Botan, is to see for yourself that he's okay up here and tell the others that worrying and mourning him isn't going to change the fact that he's dead. Jeez, it's not like we sent him to the seventh pit of Hell or anything like that."_

_"Y-yes, sir. Thank you."_

_"Jorge will show you the way to his room. Jorge. JORGE!"_

_"Yessir!"

* * *

_

**Author's Space**

The closest thing to humor you're going to get.

_Bad News_: Editing's a bitch and Part Three needs revamping before I even try to post it up. Count on a long wait between chapters. No, I haven't finished the story, but I'm dangerously close. At this rate, I'll be done posting it all by some time in May.

_Good News_: (of a sort) Angst will _probably _be on the way. I'm so tired I'm not quite sure _how_ to write in the genre anymore, but I'm working on it.

No soundtrack.

Sorry if QuickEdit screwed some things up—last time they squashed words together.

Next chapter: Chapter One: Penchant for Self-Destruction

You know the drill.

* * *

**Thank You-s and Responses**

_Especially because I didn't really expect people to send long reviews…_

**Aseret Kitsune**

**Niana Kuonji – **I couldn't remember where I'd heard the word 'atavistically' before until I re-watched the end of the Chapter Black Saga, what with the Atavism of the Mazoku. Ha? Oh, yeah. I have a fetish for sharp-shinies, as well. And, well, let's just say that there's angst to come.

**samuraiduck27**

**GreenEyedFloozy**

**DemonUntilDeath – **(1)...I'm witty? My life's goal has just been accomplished. (3) No, there are no real pairings in this fic – though you could interpret his interactions with a certain three characters to be in an almost romantic way. (The truth? I wasn't sure about a pairing, so I left myself with three possible choices. Ha?) (4) Um… Life expectancy… Well… It's not that long. I've put a more precise number in future chapters. (5) You hit the nail on the head. Well, sorta. Yeah, his mother is one reason, but another is because his suicide attempt was a spur of the moment type of deal and not quite as scary as a terminal illness. Wow, that's a long response… Thanks so much – you gave me lots to think about…

**ineXpressible – **I was actually waiting to use the title in a later chapter. I like using the title in fics. It's really fun…

**sakurasango –** Thank you! I like suspense – it's like I'm trying to keep myself from finding out what happens next. And Kurama's a strong character. That youko pride keeps him from getting too hopeless. Hee. I love Shizuru. I'm planning on another Shizuru-Kurama romance fic either sometime before I finish this. And… Yeah. I'm trying to make this fic more than just darkness, because it's not the only component of suicide and depression. It's the struggle that sets up the stage for destiny to play out on.

* * *

And now, because so many people commented on it: **The Title** of _Once Upon a Razorblade_ was thought up back when the story was still only a trio of loosely-related one-shots. Believe it or not, it's derived from the title of a play my school did—_Once Upon a Mattress_—which was apparently a romantic comedy. I thought this was a bit more edgy and fit the overall mood of the story. 


	13. Three: I: Penchant For Self Destruction

**Once Upon a Razorblade**

Disclaimer: I own no part of Yu Yu Hakusho. But steal my plot and you will suffer.

**Part Three: Waltzing Through Eternity**

**Chapter One: Penchant for Self-Destruction

* * *

**

I have an appointment with my school's guidance counselor directly after second period. This is my third day back to school and I have much catching up to do (a lie, since I was sent the notes and homework by Kaitou), yet the appointment still stands.

I don't have any idea what the counselor will be like.

I don't even know if it's male or female. I forgot to ask Kaitou. He's been here once or twice before.

"I'm antisocial," he told me yesterday, a hint of bitterness creeping into his voice, "and apparently, it's a sin in this world not to be a social butterfly. Unless one is simply 'quiet', of course."

I smiled then, and thanked him, but forgot to ask about how his meetings went.

But as I step into the office, I can almost smell the sharp scent of a mistake.

"Ah, Mr. Minamino. Please, sit down," the woman at the desk says, not even glancing up to look at me. She has a slightly mannish build (more than my own, I'm afraid to admit) and a boyish haircut that doesn't even reach her ears. Her glasses hang from a cord around her neck, and she looks to be in her late forties.

"All right, then. How are you doing today, Shuuichi?"

"Fine, thank you. And you?"

"Good. Tell me, Shuuichi. I know from looking at your records, you're a straight-A student with top marks in everything. Your teachers say that you're a well-rounded young man, but a bit of a loner. Would you explain that to me?"

So I do. I have friends in a different school.

"I see. Would you tell me a little about your home life?"

So I do. I tell her that I love my mother dearly, that I have a stepbrother and a stepfather, both of who are good people.

"Mm-hmm. How does your mother feel about your grades?"

"Whatever grade I receive she is happy with."

"So she doesn't pressure you to do well at school?"

"No."

The counselor nods. "I see. Well, Shuuichi, would you mind telling me how you felt when you attempted to end your own life?"

I think a bit on this one: To tell the truth or not to tell the truth?

_'I was bored, I suppose, so I decided to kill myself.' _I should say that just to get a reaction out of this woman.

"I don't know."

"You had to be feeling something, Shuuichi. Anger? Depression? You know, none of the feelings you have are wrong or 'bad'."

"I understand that."

"Then you'll understand that I can't truly help you unless you tell the truth, don't you, Shuuichi?"

I stare into this woman's dead serious eyes.

"I was relieved. Happy, if you will."

She seems to be trying to discern whether I am telling the truth.

"I see. No anger, no depression, no remorse?"

"No."

She nods.

"Would you tell me the reason why you attempted suicide?"

I think for a moment or two before raising my shoulders up in a slow shrug.

"There are other ways out of depression, Shuuichi. Suicide is never the answer. I know what you've been through." My heart lurches. "We all get depressed at your age." Another lurch. "You just have to get over it and find some other outlet."

By now, I have recognized those lurches for what they are: anger. She knows what I've been through? No, I highly doubt that. I am a youko in a human's body - a body which seems to have contracted a deadly _something_, by the way - who now works for the junior leader of Reikai, but who, outside of his mother, has no other reason for living. Tell me, can she _really _relate to my situation?

"What if that outlet stopped working? What if the outlet that I chose to pour myself into spontaneously ceased to soothe me?" I ask, keeping my voice level.

"Then you should have found a new one, Shuuichi," she says, her voice hard and cold. "May I ask what your outlet was in the first place?"

I brush my finger briefly against my wrist.

I will tell her the truth, if only because I know she will get it out of me some way, some how, and will not rest until she does so. I can tell by the way her eyes try to bore into mine. She tries to intimidate me, and tries to wrench the truth out of me. Doubtless, she has tried this on other students before me, and doubtless, they have crumbled before her.

I don't crumble.

"I cut myself." _Yes… That proud, strong tone… Say it like the youko that you are… don't let that foolish human believe she has any amount of power over you,_ that internal voice tells me.

The woman narrows her eyes.

"You seem to have a penchant for self-destruction, young man. All right, Shuuichi. I believe that's enough for one day. We'll be having weekly sessions. I'll inform you of which day next week."

I nod and promptly leave.

I can hardly wait to see how long it takes before one of us drives the other to the edge.

* * *

**Author's Space**

I hated my guidance counselor/psychiatrist. That's my defense.

I hope you enjoyed. (I didn't really like this one…) I know some of you have been waiting for this. Sorry it wasn't out sooner; I didn't have Easter week off, but I'm going to work on it during Passover week.

Soundtrack: Franz Ferdinand's _This Fire_, I think. Much, if not all, of Part Three was written with the help of _The Waltz of the Flowers_ from _The Nutcracker_.

Please: Review/ flame, tell me before you use this on a C2, and come again.

* * *

**Review Responses and Thank You-s**

GreenEyedFloozy – I wanted to see that play, but I never did get the tickets…

Niana Kuonji – Internet servers have been giving me a lot of trouble lately, too. I knew there was something I forgot. I wanted to mention the Hiei thing, but I suppose it slipped my mind… Thanks for reminding me!

samuraiduck27 – Well, here's the very beginning of part 3. I hope I didn't disappoint.

sakurasango – No! Don't die! Well, it's late, but here you are…

Kuranga108 – I suppose that Hiei's a bit too depressed at the moment to kill Kuwabara…

ineXpressible – I love Jorge, too. The tense? Hmm, half of the time I don't even recognize what tense I'm using.

The Amazing Tsu-chan – Sorry about that. I hate it when that happens to me – when a story just leaves off in the middle of nowhere and I want more… Oh, I believe the sole purpose of editing is to drive me crazy…

Kyoka – _/blush/_ You shower me with such compliments! I've been aiming for complexity, simply because I like it, and I'm glad you like my style. Editing is a real pain, isn't it?

**Thanks to**: _Aseret Kitsune_.


	14. Three: II: Between Stars

**Once Upon a Razorblade**

Disclaimer: I own no part of Yu Yu Hakusho. But steal my plot and you will suffer.

**Part Three: Waltzing Through Eternity**

**Chapter Two: Between Stars**

**----**

I am in the counselor's — Dr. Hanako Ishikawa's, I learned not too long ago — office. Or, rather, I am outside of it, just ready to go in and retrieve the backpack that I left in there in a momentary slip of memory.

I don't usually eavesdrop. I don't.

Oh, there isn't any merit to lying.

I believe I quite excel at eavesdropping. It came with the job description of thief, considering that at times, the risks were simply too high to rush in and steal the treasure outright. Eavesdropping was quite useful for gathering information about the whereabouts of the prize as well as what guarded it.

This, I suppose, is not for a particularly useful cause, but I am eavesdropping all the same because it is a rather hard habit to break.

And because the subject is me.

"_The Minamino boy was just in here," _is the opening line. My hand drops from the place where it was about to knock on her door.

"_Shuuichi, right?"_ the other person — another woman, one of the teachers from the lower grades — replies. _"I've overheard a lot about him lately. The girls seem to love him, but there's a rumor that he's… that he isn't well. Do you know…?"_

"_Oh, it's true," _the counselor states. _"It's something incurable but non-transmittable except through blood donation. They've given him a year or two to live if there are no complications in the treatment."_

The other teacher gives a sympathetic cluck of the tongue.

"_Poor boy. He looks like such a sweetheart, too."_

Dr. Ishikawa gives a short laugh.

"_Yes. He does."_

"_But?"_

Through the door I can almost hear the counselor sigh.

"_But after spending two weeks of talking to him and three sessions, there has been limited progress."_

"_Shouldn't that be normal for someone his age?"_

"_If you're referring to those rebellious teenage years when they won't talk to anyone, then yes, it would be normal. I've dealt with those types before._

"_But… No. Minamino is different. He talks, all right, but he gives me answers that contradict or that he knows I want or don't want. He just won't give me the cut-and-dry truth, I can tell in his eyes. He takes it as a game. Even talking about his illness, he plays with the truth or twists the question and then switches gears so that before I know it, he's got me in a trap and he knows it."_

"_Sounds frustrating."_

"_You have no idea," _Ishikawa mutters.

The other teacher laughs.

"_It sounds to me like the shrink needs a shrink."_

I smile to myself before knocking firmly on the door.**­­­­­­**

**----**

"You're out of that hospital."

It isn't a question but a statement.

How typical.

Hiei sits on my windowsill, perfectly balanced half in and half out of the room with one leg pulled up to his chest, katana resting against the opposite shoulder.

I lay on my side, head resting on arm resting on pillow. The sheets, at one point hiked up past my chin, are pooled now at the waist. I watch him a moment longer before untangling fingers from strands of hair and sitting up in bed.

"Yes," I reply, even though the comment warranted no response, as I well know.

"Hn."

That, too, warrants no response.

"Where have you been for the past few weeks?" I ask instead.

"Elsewhere," is the blunt reply.

Silence descends.

I glance at the clock. Two hours since I fell asleep last. I turn my eyes back to Hiei and then up towards the ceiling.

"Don't do anything stupid again."

How utterly shocking.

"Pardon?"

"Don't get me wrong," he rushes on, glaring at me straight in the eyes that darted to him the moment he said that. "I don't give a damn about your health. Yuusuke and Kuwabara were just being pains in the ass while you weren't there to shut them up."

"Ah."

"Hn." He turns away to stare at the moon, clouded over and obscured by billowing gray clouds. I know then that the conversation is over and that if I continue, it will be one-sided and empty. So I simply lay back and watch the night progress.

After a while, I fall back asleep. And in the morning, he is gone.

----

It's a stupid urge. Yes. It's an extremely stupid urge.

But, I figure, I have nothing to lose. If I try and succeed, well, then, congratulations. If I try and fail, then I lose energy. So what? I could build it up again with some work.

And so, beneath the quarter moon and among the thick trees I stand, concentrating my energy and concentrating on the task before me.

I am trying, to shape-shift the way that I used to be able to and become — at least physically — Youko Kurama.

It isn't working as it should. I can feel it even as the flashing of gold signals my transformation.

To be more precise, it works, but only half-way. Youko's strands of silver intermingle with those red ones of Shuuichi's, and green eyes become flecked with gold, I note as I watch my reflection in the compact mirror in my palm. My fingers reach up to touch the fox ears that have sprouted atop my head, but the fingers are merely that — neither clawed nor sharp but humanoid and very nearly useless.

I sigh, wondering if Genkai's power cap is still in place. I could probably break it by now, if I really wanted to.

Or maybe I'm just becoming weak.

I look up at the sky and wonder if I should start counting the stars or not. I decide against it.

It is strange. Why does it seem that I'm always stuck between two places? I am stuck, for instance, between human and demon, or stuck, as I am now, between Shuuichi and Youko… between repentance and sin, between love and hate, between now and then.

Between life and death.

I change my mind. Tonight, I will count the stars.

----

**Author's Space**

Soundtrack: _Smashing Blue_ (Kinya Kotani), _Ready Steady Go_ (L'Arc-en-Ciel on _Smile_), and _Say Anything_ (Good Charlotte on _The Young and the Hopeless_).

This chapter is _really_ late for several reasons — schoolwork (twotaxing math classes in particular), my school club (I'm secretary), involvement in other animé series (_Peacemaker Kurogane, _among others), and the creation of a chapter backlogso that there won't be such a long wait. And furthermore, I wanted this to be a reverse birthday gift from me to you guys because I turned 15 on May 14 and because I wanted to thank you all for your support and reviews.

This chapter was mainly filler, not much substance pertaining to the plot. The next one's the banger and I _really_ like it, so I'll post it as soon as I can. And you can take the exchange at the window any which way you want. I'm not saying anything.

Next Chapter: Chapter Three: _Frostbitten._

Review, please...

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**Thank you**:

_Bluespark_ – D'you know, I actually didn't even think of giving her a name until you pointed it out? Thanks!

_Niana Kuonji_ – Yeah… I haven't met my high school guidance counselors, really… I probably should… Thanks so much for reviewing.

_Ryukotsusei, samuraiduck27, lunareclipse, The Amazing Tsu-chan, A lilmatchgirl, KyoHanna, Kuranga108, GreenEyedFloozy, Pure white cat, sakurasango, Insane Chipmunk – _I'm really sorry for the wait, everyone. Thanks for your responses on the guidance counselor!

_ineXpressible_ – Glad you liked it! I've never really met my new counselors, even though as a freshman, I was supposed to… I skipped out on it because it was after school and I have 10th period off, so I just… conveniently forgot. And I also didn't have time to get over my phobia of the last counselor I had, so… Thanks for always reviewing!

_DemonUntilDeath_ – Congratulations! You've hit upon one of the reasons why I thought this up. I mean, after watching the Spirit Detective Saga and most of the Dark Tournament on one Saturday afternoon, it really drove that concept into my brain. Like, _'He's almost-dying all over the damn place!' _(_sweatdrop_) Er. Well, be consoled that you're not the only one who thinks about that in your spare time.

_blackrose kitsune_ – Thankyouthankyouthankyou! Your review brightened an otherwise bleak day, let me tell you. You're right – I do try to put a lot of thought into each chapter because, really, I don't want to leave any loose ends. Plus, details like blood type trouble are what make a story more real and enable others to connect. About word consistency: I don't like it when other authors switch their word usage in the middle of the story because it feels so disconnected with the other chapters (unless it's a change in POV, in which case it's okay). Erm… so, thanks for your review!

_SunStar Kitsune _– About whether Koenma will bring him back when the book is done: Mm… You'll just have to find out! Thanks for your reviews!

----

**Bonus: Setting**

Looking back, I guess I forgot to mention it at the beginning of the fic: This is AU. Well, sort of. It's more PU. Meaning, as opposed to 'alternate universe', this is 'parallel universe', which, really, is a misnomer. It means that for this fic, the YYH canon-verse branched off into two directions: (**don't read if you hate spoilers beyond the end of the Chapter Black Saga**) one is canon, where Yusuke went to visit Kuroka and got the message from Raizen and so on and so forth… The second is this storyline. So in this world, they finished off Sensui and went on with life as usual. This is about a year after Chapter Black. Therefore, Hiei's ever met Mukuro, Kurama wasn't re-united (_snicker_) with Yomi, and Yusuke hasn't met ancestral-daddy-dearest, but they're perfectly acquainted with, say, Kaitou.

Hint, hint.


	15. Three: III: Frostbitten

**_Just a reminder…_** that Kurama is 'Shuuichi' and his step-brother is 'Shuichi'.

* * *

**Once Upon a Razorblade**

Disclaimer: I own no part of Yu Yu Hakusho. But steal my plot and you will suffer.

**Part Three: Waltzing Through Eternity**

**Chapter Three: Frostbitten**

----

The house is silent. My mother is making a few phone calls, my stepfather is still at work, and my stepbrother... well, I'm not completely certain where he is.

I pass my hand over my forehead. I have a headache from staring too hard at a math problem I'm supposed to be solving. It's a rather easy problem, now that I look at it properly and I realize that I was overcomplicating it a bit.

I lay my head on my arms and close my eyes.

"Shuuichi?"

My eyes snap open.

"Oh. Sorry, you were sleeping." My stepbrother backs out of the room quietly.

"What is it?" I call out.

"Nothing. Though… would you like some ice-cream? Shiori bought it yesterday," he adds, and though his overall manner is nonchalant, I can see the look in his eye. It's that one that says he wants company - he wants _my _company, as unbelievable as it may be. (What company, after all, am I?)

"All right." I glance at my watch. "Why don't you go down and I'll be there as soon as I can, okay, Shuichi?"

"Sure," he responds, and shuts the door behind him. I wait until his footsteps have receded before I make my way into the adjoining bathroom, reaching out to the mirror that keeps the rows of shaving cream and cologne, among other things.

'Other things' meaning, in particular, two dark orange cylinders filled to the midpoint with medication. I shake one of each into my hand, fill a cup with water, and down them as fast as possible.

----

"Cold!" Shuichi yelps, and I half-laugh.

We sit across from each other, atop stools situated in the kitchen. He has been playing 'cook', drizzling an extravagant amount of chocolate syrup and sprinkles over three scoops of various brand-name ice-cream flavors. Somehow, he has managed to dredge up other trappings, the likes of which match what would probably be found in an ice-cream parlour.

He has certainly outdone any of _my_ attempts at a sundae, not that those have been many.

"Don't eat it so fast," I admonish, feeling very much like the older brother I am _supposed_ to be.

"Don't be an old man!" And he laughs, scooping up another huge spoonful of ice-cream and shoving it into his mouth. "The brain freeze is part of the fun!"

I smile.

My stepbrother and I hardly see each other, despite the fact that we live in the same house. We don't go to the same schools, and we don't hang out with the same people. I care for him, of course, as much as a brother should, but I see him relatively little. Our relationship is, for the most part, friendly but distant, and much of the time, we must make do with small talk as the predominance of our conversation. But every so often, he will invite me to watch a movie with him, or ask me to drive with him, or eat ice cream, just like this. And usually, our talk, though idle, will turn to something slightly more serious.

"Hey, Shuuichi?"

"Yes?"

"Are you sick or something?"

My spoon hovers in the air as I pause.

He doesn't know. I half expected that my mother and stepfather wouldn't tell him, for whatever reasons they harbor. They didn't even tell him about my suicide attempt, simply that I was in the hospital, though I don't blame them in the least for doing that.

But how am _I_ supposed to respond?

"Why do you ask?"

Shuichi shrugs.

"Just something I heard the neighbors say. And sometimes, I see you taking medicine when you think I'm not looking." He shrugs again. "I just wanted to know."

I think on this for a moment.

"Yes, I am sick."

"How sick? With what? W-"

The fingers that hold the ice-cream bowl are starting to numb from the cold that seeps through it, and I can almost imagine that the ache increases to a blinding ache as it spreads, almost as though the cold is in the veins themselves.

"-You're not going to die, are you? How-"

Too many questions. It's making my head start to spin as I try to sort them out.

"-Why didn't you tell me? How-"

Why didn't _they_ tell him? Maybe I could have been spared the headache of trying to answer him.

"-Did you find out while you were in the hospital, then? What-"

I didn't know that my imagination was this powerful. But it's a bliss - the way that this _something_ burns a freezing path through me, so much better than back when I cut.

Unfortunately enough, the pain does not clear away the fog that seems to be intent on clouding my brain.

----

"Shuuichi!"

_Nnn…_

"Shuuichi! Wake up!"

"Shuichi, what happened?"

"I don't know! We were talking and then his eyes just closed and he fell back! I didn't do anything!"

"Shh. Shuichi, honey, calm down and call the doctor. The number is on the refrigerator."

My mother's calm, even voice belies the worry beneath.

Slowly, I try to regain my full consciousness. I try to make sense of what my stepbrother was saying. I try to remember for myself.

And I do.

"Shuuichi, you're awake. Good boy," my mother says hurriedly, and I can't help but think it sounds as though she's talking to a dog.

"Don't move until your brother can get the doctor on the phone," she orders before bending down, pressing her lips fiercely to my forehead, and threading her slim fingers into my hair, squashing any of my attempts to rise from my spot.

She remains beside me, on the floor, even as Shuichi hands the phone to her.

I didn't realize it before, but there is a slight stinging sensation at the back of my skull, presumably a bruise or some sort of bang. And slowly, the pain begins in my head, soon escalating to a throbbing, pounding headache.

Sometimes I wonder why this is happening. Sometimes I wonder if Fate is holding some sort of petty grudge against me. Sometimes I wonder if this is supposed to be some sort of extended atonement for the sins of Youko. And at times like these I wonder, _Haven't I done enough? Haven't I spent the past few years trying to right the hundreds of years of wrongs?_

Of course not.

"Shuuichi, honey, how do you feel? Where does it hurt?"

"I'm all right, Mother."

"No, you're not!" she bursts out suddenly before remembering herself and the fact that the phone is only resting on her shoulder.

She sounds so anxious and… scared. Panicked, almost.

She closes her eyes for a moment. "I'm sorry, Shuuichi... Please. Where does it hurt?"

I meet her gaze for a moment before answering.

"At the back of my skull, above the temple. And before I blacked out, all along here," I tell her, my fingers ghosting the pathway along my forearms that the ice had seemed to take, through the veins and surpassing the junction between fore- and upper-arm by a fractional amount.

She repeats this in a weary tone to the doctor on the other end, and pauses as she listens to the answer.

"Shuuichi," she begins, her eyes darting to my step-brother before alighting on me once more. "Have you taken your medicine within the past hour?"

"Yes," I answer. "Right before I came down here."

She nods and repeats it.

I watch as her fingers worry her bottom lip before her eyes close.

I can only imagine the stress that I've placed on her shoulders in such a short amount of time.

"Oh, no..." I hear her whisper to herself. "I was told there might be some conflicts, but that we shouldn't worry... Yes... Well, what...? Yes. Thank you, doctor."

Slowly, I push myself up, eager to hear what the latest twist in this never-ending drama is.

"Shuichi, would you be a dear and fetch some ice?" she requests of my stepbrother, and he nods.

"Come here, Shuuichi," my mother says, and beckons me to sit beside her. I slowly comply.

"The doctor said that tomorrow you have to go back for a check-up," she whispers, her fingers probing at the back of my head.

"Did she say what's wrong?"

I can see feel her hesitation as she gently presses the cool ice against my skull.

"It's nothing to worry about. Really."

----

**Author's Space**

Soundtrack: _The Medallion Calls _and _The Black Pearl_, from _Pirates of the Caribbean_ (the Score/Soundtrack).

Cliffhanger-ish. Not quite, but it's up there.

I tried to make Part Three shorter, but it wouldn't obey. It's the longest one, actually. What a monster… I like it, though. Particularly this chapter and Chapter Five. And sorry about the lateness. School doesn't get out until the 28th of June.

I'm getting too involved in this story. I went into my brothers' medicine cabinet to see what guys put in there. What, you were expecting seeds and fertilizer? Kurama's just a normal teenage guy. Kinda.

I just watched the _Bandits and Kings _DVD. Utterly awesome. But did you know they changed Shuichi-kun's name to Kokoda? It creeped me out before I watched the Japanese version and realized that it was OK because his name really was Shuichi…

Yes, yes. You know the drill.

* * *

**Responses**

At 11/12/1 o'clock in the morning, I _so_ do not want to be doing this, but it's the only time I'm going to be able to post. And it's really cluttering up the post and making it seem longer than it is… But:

**_samuraiduck27, KyoHanna, blackrosekitsune, Kuranga108, SunStar Kitsune, HieiXkurama2000, Aseret Kitsune _**- Thanks so much! You're all such great reviewers and I'm so thankful that you all take the time to review for me!

**_RaggedWings_** – Oh, I liked the ending line, too, if I may say so myself. It took me just so damn _long_ to think it up, though, simple as it was… At least you reviewed at all, ne? It's really appreciated!

**_DemonUntilDeath_** – Happy (really-late) Birthday, then! Or maybe it's early? So you're older than me, huh? That's really cool! Er, well, 'hint-hint' as in he's going to make a little guest appearance. With dialogue. Finally. Life schedule? Since when do I care about _that_:_smilewink_: Anyway. Thanks!

**_GreenEyedFloozy_** – Sad, hm? Yeah. I can't remember if I did or not, but I have the feeling that I may have teared up while writing this chapter. Can't remember. Yeah. I tried counting stars quite a few times, actually, but my vision is so bad that I couldn't tell if the light was from a shooting star or from a plane on its way to LaGuardia Airport. In any case… Thanks for taking the time to review!

**_A lilmatchgirl_** – Ha! Yeah. A way with words is probably number two on my list of must-haves for a bishounen. :_sheepishgrin_: I enjoyed writing the shrink's conversation because it was kind of like forcing me to get into the head of a character I didn't like very much.

**_Kuramafan-06_** – Although I can't tell you the complete ending of this fic, I can tell you that I absolutely abhor stories that are under the 'Tragedy/Angst' category and end happily. I keep wanting to buy the My Chemical Romance album, but I never remember. Ah, well. Actually, I first heard _Ready Steady Go_ on Anime Network On Demand because they've finally started to show music videos. It was really cool-looking. Hmm… Do you know where I could find that song you were talking about? Is it in any anime or do I have to get it :_coughillegaldownloading_? Unfortunately, no, I don't have a hotmail account, but feel free to e-mail me at any time… All in all, thanks so much for your support and reviews and birthday greetings!

**_purplehairedwonder_** – Wow. I agree whole-heartedly. I don't even really venture into the archives anymore, the stuff in there is so mind-numbingly bad. But, anyway, thanks so much!

**_Niana Kuonji_** – Hm. I really shouldn't have put it that way: More like Kaitou's making a guest appearance. Or something. Damn! I meant to have her say something about Kaitou, but I forgot. Damn! Uh. Anyway. Yeah, that's true, Yusuke's got more death experiences, but I think that… Kurama may just like to test the boundaries of how far he can get to death without actually getting sucked into it. Dunno. Thanks so much for the song! It's really awesome and – as you said – really catchy. If I could put it up somewhere and maybe paste a link to it from my profile, would that be okay with you? Full credit is yours, of course… Ah, well, thanks for everything!

**_Hieis4gotndreamr_** – Yeah. Eavesdropping is, like, my specialty, even though I _really_ don't mean to do it. Oh, dude, where do you _live_? I'd like to move there. The last day of school? I've got until June 28th for Regents and finals… Ugh. Anyway: Thanks for reviewing!

**_ineXpressible_** – Gorilla? Termites? Uh. Okay! Thanks for reviewing!

**_Kooriya Yui_** – Ah… Short and suspicious, eh:_drowsysmile_: Cool! Er. Please ignore that. A proper response is not possible at the moment because it's about 12 in the morning and my neck is killing me. :_sheepishsmile_: Thanks so much!


	16. Three: IV: Save the Day Syndrome

_**Dedications **for this chapter go to **blackrose kitsune**_ _for the invaluable help and**Taisuke Harakiri **for the wonderful ego-stroking._

**

* * *

**

**Once Upon a Razorblade**

Disclaimer: I own no part of Yu Yu Hakusho. But steal my plot and you will suffer.

This author also does not in any way condone self-mutilation (cutting). Please do not take this work of fiction as an indication of such.

**Part Three: Waltzing Through Eternity**

**Chapter Four: Save the Day Syndrome**

----

It isn't 'nothing to worry about'. It's something which, ordinarily, I would worry about immensely.

And though this isn't 'ordinarily', I do worry the slightest bit.

My mother was warned about this when she first found out about the illness and about the medicines I had been prescribed. However, she had also been told that it was nothing to worry about.

There are conflicting chemicals in the two different medications that I take: the one that targets the pain and symptoms of my illness, and the anti-depressant. And therefore, I've been taken off the anti-depressant for an indefinite amount of time.

_"But surely - surely, doctor - there's another brand that doesn't - "_

_"I'm sorry,"_ I hear the woman say as I eavesdrop just outside the door. This is becoming _quite_ a habit... _"There are certain chemicals that are similar in all medicines pertaining to depression because the receptors involved with hormones and chemicals are extremely specific. We don't know which one is reacting badly with the - "_

_"But - "_

_"I'm sorry. As it is, your son has barely a year. Mixing these two medicines could have the adverse effect of shortening that span tremendously."_

The room within is deadly silent. I almost don't catch what comes next.

_"I just don't want him to suffer again. I don't want him to do anything to himself again."_

---

_"I don't want him to do anything to himself again."_

I didn't realize that the past few weeks were a respite from the heavier feelings I've carried around. I didn't realize that I felt better, if only a little. I didn't realize it. Such is the subtlety of an anti-depressant, I suppose.

I'm at school, in the middle of a lunch alone.

My finger brushes the inside of my forearm as I remember that bliss I used to feel after cutting.

I can barely bring myself to breathe. This smothering, heavy feeling has settled over me, and I just don't… don't want to move. It feels like one small misstep and the entire weight will crush me.

_"I don't want him to do anything to himself again."_

Those words are the only things that are keeping me from finding something sharp - anything - and tearing into my skin with the fury of a wild person.

"May I ask what you're doing on the roof?"

I don't turn.

"Not that it actually matters to me, of course, but the rest of the world is on a rampage to figure out where you've gone."

I don't want to turn.

"Just thought you might want to know."

I just want to stay. Here. In the shadows, where I would like to think no one can see me.

"Kaitou."

"Hm?" He turns back to me, his hand pausing above the handle on the door leading down from the roof.

"Do you have a pencil sharpener, by any chance?"

He pushes his thick glasses up to the bridge of his nose.

"And I suppose I should hand you a screwdriver, too? I like my school supplies in one piece and unstained with blood, thank you very much."

I laugh low in my throat.

"It was worth a try."

"No, it wasn't. Save your energy for other things, _Kurama_. Like telling Yuusuke Urameshi to get away from the school gate and go back to his own Territory."

I raise an eyebrow at his choice of words before peering over the edge of the roof to find that, indeed, Yuusuke is at the gate, possibly bullying a younger student to come and get me.

I sigh and stand, smiling and waving farewell to Kaitou.

"What about your lunch?" he calls after me, referring to the untouched food I've left behind.

"Take it."

---

"…Hey."

That is the only reaction that my presence elicits from Yuusuke.

"Hello, Yuusuke."

He is silent for a long few moments, his fists tightening at his sides.

"Perhaps you could inform me as to what your purpose is here before the end of lunch bell rings?"

Silence. Then he responds, and the response is quite unexpected.

"What am I supposed to do?"

I school my face into an impassive mask.

"You cut class to ask my advice on…. what, exactly?"

He ignores that and continues.

"What am I supposed to do?" he repeats, voice strained. "There's always something. There's always some – fucking – way to help you or save you or something, dammit."

"Yuusuke – "

"What do I do?"

I sigh.

"You can't save everyone, Yuusuke – least of all someone with a terminal disease."

"But – "

"No."

His eyes finally meet mine, strong and fierce and hard.

"We can ask Koenma. He'll – "

"I'm quite overdue for death, Yuusuke."

Another sigh.

"I don't want to be saved. Understand that, please, Yuusuke."

"You can't be serious," he whispers.

"I am," I reply firmly.

He sags suddenly, giving a bitter snort and sitting down with his back against the fence.

"You're one stupid bastard, you know that? Damn _stubborn_, too."

I half-smile sardonically and crouch in front of him.

_I'm sorry_, I want to say.

But am I?

---

**Author's Space**

Oh, the way Destiny's screwing him over this time around... I love Kurama. I do. But I'm not sorry.

_Save the Day Syndrome_ is a poem on FictionPress by T. Michelena. It has almost nothing to do with the chapter (and this chapter has almost nothing to do with it) but you might want to check it out. Address (take out spaces, add punctuation): www **(dot)** fictionpress **(dot)** com / read **(dot)** php ? storyid **(equals)** 1808369

Soundtrack: _Waltz of the Flowers_ from the Nutcracker ballet. I love it dearly. Also, _Stay Together for the Kids_, by blink-182 on _Take Off Your Pants and Jacket._

Ack… New York is incredibly humid and muggy and my wrist _aches_ like you wouldn't believe. But I'll do the responses now…

* * *

**Thank You!**

**Bluespark, ineXpressible, KyoHana, samuraiduck27, GreenEyedFloozy, Insane Chipmunk –** Ah. You have no idea how much I adore you for your constant support of this fic. My intense gratitude to all of you.

**Niana Kuonji – **Ah, I still haven't gotten around to putting it up somewhere… It'll probably be on my LJ, though. I'll send you the link once I finally do… And you hit the nail on the head! Medicine complications! You're one of the only ones who figured it out… Good for you!

**Kooriya Yui** – Ah. My brain did that, too, after I wrote it (about… three months ago?), since I wasn't _quite_ sure what I was doing… :_sheepishgrin_: Ack… I'm incredibly bad at planning stories out…

**Kuramafan-06** – I really, really want to start watching FMA, but I'm always too busy… I saw most of the first episode, though! Uh. Well. I'm going into L'Arc withdrawal because The Anime Network took them off… I hope they put up _Rewrite_ next, though!

**Tenshi No Koori** – Ah. Well, you didn't see it because I didn't write it in. The scene takes place right after he's put the blade to his skin, meaning that he's really just sitting there and waiting to die…

**GoldenKitsuneHime13** – Uh. You're welcome? Thanks:_shrug_: I was really depressed when I started reading this. Now? I'm not so depressed. It's therapy, I guess, both to write and read it, ne?

**A lilmatchgirl** – :_laugh_: Can't argue with you on that – guess we're both shallow, then, ne?

**SunStar Kitsune** – Uh. No. Ice cream had no involvement in the matter (as you could see from reading the chapter…). But… Uh… Good guess…?

**Kuranga108** – Yay! You hit it right on the head! Ghost wound was a really, really good idea, though… (Why didn't I think of that?)

**DemonUntilDeath** – Ah, well, now you've got that little piece of Kaitou conversation! Uh… I think I made too big a deal out of it, though… Well, I can't really complain about my school letting out late… It's the price to pay for going to smart-people school… :_sob_: And… What would you say if I told you that I don't need any more time to write because I've already finished this story…:_winkwink_:

**blackrose kitsune** – Thank you so much for your invaluable help!

**Evil Demon** – Ah… But telling you what happens to Kurama would defeat the purpose of writing this fic, wouldn't it:_laugh_: Morbid? Ah, I get that a lot…

**crYstaL** – Uh. I… I really don't know how I should take that. That was certainly not my intention, but… Uh… I think I'll take that as a compliment… :_nervouslaugh_:

**Taisuke Harakiri** – :_blinkblink_: …I love you. Really. I almost broke down sobbing when I read your review. Yes, I agree that most Kurama darkfics are just so… _incredibly_ OOC that I want to shut down my computer but end up reading on in a sort of morbidly curious trance… Ah. I started out as a KuramaxHiei girl, but then I just sort of morphed and went crazy. I've got way too many alternate pairings under my belt… About my writing style: Hee. Did I mention that I love you? Really. Thank you so much.

* * *

Mmph. So go review. I, personally, am going to goeat General Tso's and lo mein and egg rolls...

fluorescent


	17. Three: V: Sidewalks

**Once Upon a Razorblade**

Disclaimer: I own no part of Yu Yu Hakusho. But steal my plot and you will suffer.

This authoress also does not in any way, shape or form condone self-mutilation (cutting) as a solution for depression.

**Part Three: Waltzing Through Eternity**

**Chapter Five: Sidewalks**

--♫--

As the rain pours down from the sky, I run.

Where to? I have no idea.

From whom? No one.

Why, then? Again, I have no idea.

My awareness is simply in the water that drenches me and the concrete beneath my feet. The cold, grey sidewalk, cracked and uneven, is the center of my attention. Tree roots, gnarled and undoubtedly old, poke out in odd places and provide an uneven ground.

I just want to run away from everything – from my mother, from my step-family, from my schoolmates, from my friends, from my problems.

Running away from time – now, I wish that were possible.

I'm so stupid.

Why am I running? It's inevitable that I'll have to stop, and once I do, then everything will come crashing down on me like a thousand pounds of solid brick. Wouldn't it just be better for me to quit now?

My body doesn't feel like listening to my rational mind, though. It just wants to keep up this process until I collapse. And to tell the truth, I really don't see what's wrong with that.

But I tire soon – too soon, actually. It's been like this for a week or two now. I'm not supposed to be getting so weary, that is what my brain tells me, because I happen to be better conditioned than this. I'm used to running long, long distances with ease. But now... I've barely run a mile, and I'm so tired that suddenly, I'm flying onto the pavement.

This cold, wet, grey, cracked pavement.

I flop onto my back and stare straight into the onslaught of rain. There is no thunder or lightning, simply freezing cold rain beating against my body.

It numbs me and makes me feel so, so good.

I had to stop going to school a week ago. Mother was too afraid to let me go back. I don't see what she's so worried about, however. The nurse is fully qualified to take care of any situation that might arise. But I don't want to trouble my mother any more than I already have. I still feel a bit guilty, I suppose. I keep so many secrets from her that I just don't have the strength to reveal to her. I debate constantly about whether it is better to have a happy mother – meaning, one who lives in complete ignorance – or a mother whose entire world is shattered by the truth.

Half of the time, I decide it doesn't matter.

I'm not going to last through the next few months, anyway. No matter what anyone else says, I know the truth in my heart. I'm going to die.

Oh, well.

Others might say that I give up too easily. My negativity is my undoing.

But they know as well as I do that it is simply the truth.

"Hey! What the hell are you doing!" I hear someone shout at me. I slightly lift my head up off of the sidewalk. It's Yuusuke.

I lay my head back down.

How did he find me here?

"C'mon, get up!" he says, and bends down to try and drag me up. I simply shrug him off.

"I will get up. You need not worry."

He simply stares at me. And I simply shift my gaze to the sky.

I do believe he's been worried since I told him I didn't want to be saved. I think he took it as a sign I would be willing to attempt suicide once again.

Which, of course, is completely right.

Slowly I lift myself up, the shaky feeling in my arms a reminder of the illness that has been sapping at my strength. My knees are scraped and bleeding where I fell.

"I'm all right, Yuusuke," I assure him, turning to see his overly concerned and suspicious expression. He is obviously not convinced, but still shakes his head and turns, his fingers latching onto my arm as he does so.

"Whatever," is his reply. "I'll walk you back home. Could you do something about that blood, though? Your mother's going to freak out and kill me."

My mother would do no such thing, as he well knows, and would undoubtedly forgive him. I believe she likes him, probably for the fact that he is the one who has dragged me home from my last two excursions.

He turns back to glance at me.

"Shit. Where's your umbrella?"

"I didn't bring one. The rain caught me completely off-guard," I admit, blinking against the raindrops.

Yuusuke curses again.

"I really hate it when you pull stupid crap like this, you know that?"

--♫--

She is angry. Or maybe she's simply worried or relieved or something else of that general nature.

Either way, my mother stands before me, pacing a worn trail in the wood floor parallel to my bed, her voice raised at me for the first time. Well, probably not the _first_ time, but the first time in a long while.

"Never, ever do that again, do you hear me, Shuuichi? Don't – don't _scare_ me like that!"

I keep my teeth firmly clamped on my tongue. This strange anger has been rising in my throat and chest, probably in response to her own. I _hate_ being scolded like this, but I will sit through it.

"Do you have any – any _idea_ how I felt when you didn't come home and Yuusuke couldn't find you at first?"

When Yuusuke couldn't find me…? Did she… _call Yuusuke?_ Is that how he has been able to find me lately?

Doesn't she _trust_ me?

No. She probably doesn't.

The revelation is accompanied by a swelling of the anger. I bite down on my tongue again. It itches—positively _itches_—to say something back, something stinging, just because I can.

Just because I know I could do it. I know I could hurt her.

"Shuuichi, do you have any idea how I felt?"

She buries her face in her hands and practically collapses into the chair by my desk.

"What am I doing wrong?"

And I know that it wouldn't satisfy me. Hurt her? After all the selfish things I've done?

I cross the room to her silently, placing my hands on her shoulders and pulling her to me.

"Nothing, mother. I'm sorry for worrying you," I tell her. "I just… needed… some time to think."

And then I say no more and just let her tears soak into my shirt.

--♫--

**Author's Space**

You knew there'd be a breakdown. Admit it.

Soundtracks: _Waltz of the Flowers _(Tchaikovsky), _Sidewalks_ (Story of the Year), _Dance, Dance_ (Fall Out Boy).

This chapter's Shiori is modeled after Jien and Gojyo's mother in _Saiyuki_. Er. Except for the homicidal part. And, er… the incest part. Thing.

Review, please.

--♫--

**Responses and Thank You-s**

**GoldenKitsuneHime13, KyoHana, GreenEyedFloozy, purplehairedwonder, DemonUntilDeath, Bluespark, Niana Kuonji, blackrose kitsune, Jesanae Tekani, Insane Chipmunk -- **Thank you all for you reviews and support!

**samuraiduck27 – **Thanks. Last chapter was probably my fave, too.

**Kuranga108** – Ah… I wouldn't say he's over it just yet. I really did love playing with Yuusuke last chapter; everything he said just came out so naturally for me. Thanks!

**Kooriya Yui – **Heh. Yeah. The weather was pretty good there for a while, but now it's back, hot and muggy-ness. Ugh… _:grin:_ I like crazy-insane Kurama about as much as I like cutting Kurama. They're both really fun. Thank you-thank you.

**KaraKurama** – Uh… New York is _not_ nice in the summer, it's downright bitchy. But constant rain doesn't sound so great either…

**A lilmatchgirl** – Thanks. Hmm… I can't remember if that's canon or not, either. _:sheepishgrin:_ Oh, I love that line, too, if I may say so myself. _:grin: _Yes, yes. He's really messed up, isn't he?

**Kuramafan-06** – Thank you! Well, the final chapter-chapter of the fic is… er… next? Well, unless I get the inspiration to write another chapter between that. Following that, though, there is the final interlude and the epilogue, which will be posted at the same time. You… _might_ want to keep tissue paper handy. I think. _:grin:_

**ineXpressible** – A lot of emotion, huh? Yeah, I guess so. I _dearly_ love Shiori, and I'm really sad to be putting her through all of this trauma… _:sniff_: Well, thanks for reviewing…

**sakurasango** – _104 degrees_? God, that must be terrible! Thanks!

**Taisuke Harakiri **– _:laugh: _Kaitou's a strange bird, isn't he? He was a ton of fun to write. Ah… Well, I've been known to get depressed, but this year it got really bad. I probably would have started cutting if my mother hadn't placed all sharp objects out of my reach (she started doing that after I almost burned the apartment down). I got started on this, instead, and channeled what I felt into it and hoped to god that it was at least somewhat accurate… Ooh, a YuusukeSakyo fic? Where? _:grin: _Oh, and thanks so much for your review!

**SunStar Kitsune** – Hey, that Crow's Call fic: it's pretty good! Thanks for reccing it! You're right, though. Pop culture's getting pretty dark these days… Thanks for reviewing.

**Kuwa-chan** – Chilling, huh? First time I've heard that. _:laugh: _That's cool… Oh, that's cool, too. I re-listened to that episode after I got this review. _:grin: _Thanks!

**Aya-chan** -- I got your review just before I went to post this. Thanks! Yeah,he _is_ amusing, isn't it?

--♫--

Ugh. So stupid of me. Revised because I forgot that I deleted an entire section, and the notes had to be doctored, as well.


	18. Three: VI: Immortality

**Once Upon a Razorblade**

Disclaimer: I own no part of Yu Yu Hakusho. But steal my plot and you will suffer.

This authoress also does not in any way, shape or form condone self-mutilation (cutting) or suicide as a solution for depression.

**Part Three: Waltzing Through Eternity**

**Chapter Six: Immortality**

--

_**Warnings:** Somewhat graphic death. Somewhat._

_--_

"Shuuichi?"

"Yes, Mother?"

"How are you doing?"

"I…" _I don't know. I don't know. _"I'm all right."

"Are you sure, Shuuichi?"

"Yes. I'm just a little tired."

"Oh. That's all right. It's been a long day. You had another blood test, after all."

A nod.

_More blood tests, more updates, more warnings, more worries._

"Mother?"

She turns.

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry? Shuuichi—Shuuichi, what for?"

"Everything." _Everything that's happened, everything that's caused you grief, everything you know and everything you don't know._

"Oh—It isn't your fault. It isn't your fault. Don't ever think that."

Another nod.

"I love you, Mother."

"I know. I love you, too. Now why don't you go upstairs and get some rest?"

--

It _hurts_.

Somewhere deep inside, this insane throb _aches_.

And it's so deep inside my heart that it's nearly impossible to root it out.

This feeling of anger, of despair and of destruction resides so deeply inside my soul that no matter how happy I am at any given time, there is always that knowledge looming in the background that I will fall back into this. And when I do fall back onto it, I want to use my fists, to pound into something until my knuckles split and bleed and become a mass of red pain.

I always wondered why crying is always the first instinct whenever humans feel this way. Still, crying brings a feeling of emptiness that I utterly abhor. At least anger fills up my heart and makes me feel so full. It makes me _feel_. Empty is empty. There is nothing. There is no one. And there is no cure.

Therefore, I need to hate. I need to be angry. I need this destruction. I need it, but when it comes, it overwhelms me and eats at me until I try to scramble for an exit - I need to find a way out, always, every time. But when I find it, when I find that one thing that drains the emotion from me, I am empty, and dead, and useless.

So I curl up and feel so vulnerable beneath the covers my mother pulls over me, a sad smile on her face and tears in her eyes and it makes me sick because I'm so weak. And lying there, I grit my teeth and close my eyes and try to think of something outside of this unbearable ache within – somewhere dark and empty, somewhere bottomless and overcast and weighed down.

It's driving me insane, this bursting of emotions so strong that I feel like dying. It's too much, too much, too much.

I'm such a coward.

I always need an easy way out. The hardships I endure are nothing in comparison to those that others go through. Stealing was easy. Anger is easy.

Anger is so, so easy to fall into. Depression is so, so easy to fall into. But destruction - that is the easiest.

Destruction...

I try to live, for all that it's worth. I try, because I never want to die. I want immortality – I suppose I've always wanted immortality.

One always strives to accomplish that which is impossible.

But I'm _so-damn_-_tired_ of the pitying looks, the sadness that constantly surrounds me. I'm tired of Botan and how she practically bursts into tears each and every time she sees me. I'm tired of sitting around doing nothing.

I'm tired of waiting.

Each and every day is just another step towards my inevitable death. It's always there and there is nothing else that I can do or say to push it away.

And I want to bring it closer.

One by one, the caplets and pills slip into my cold and aching hand, a mix of antidepressants and pain relievers. Of those, there are some of medium strength and some of minimum strength, and ones that could kill me.

Which is, of course, the purpose.

And one by one, I swallow them all.

It is a mechanical process. Place one in my mouth, take a sip of water, swallow, place another in my mouth…

So simplistic, and I do it without another thought.

It will probably be more painful this way. If I miraculously survive, I will be permanently damaged, though whether it will be physically or mentally or both—that remains to be seen.

And finally, I slip back into my bedroom, closing the door and stealing under the covers.

The moon, I note, is beautiful and luminescent as it reaches its fullness.

--

I sleep for a while, until the searing pain comes and awakens me in the merest of moments. I bite back a cry and curl up over my stomach, arms around knees as my stomach roils and tries to reject the medicines.

Overdosing is not a very pretty way to die, is it?

Haze and pain swoop down and I writhe and it _hurts _just so beautifully, turning my blood to ice and poison and _steel_ that cuts into my nerves and slices through them.

I'm screaming now, or at least I think I'm screaming, but I don't quite know if I'm making any sound or not because I can't focus myself on anything but the pain.

Tears leak and drip through shut eyelids, a merely physical reaction to the sensations that collide with one another.

Then the haze gets thicker and thicker and I can no longer think straight – _Who am I what am I Youko Shuuichi Kurama—_

And everything goes black.

--

Light.

The sun's first rays shine through my eyelids and as I open them, I pray that I am where I want to be; pray that there will be no white ceiling with IVs in my arms; pray that I am well and truly _dead_.

_Ah._

She sits on the oar before me, eyes boring holes into me.

"Are you ready?" Hinageshi asks, averting her eyes and turning her eyes on the body below us – mine, naturally. Blood trickles delicately through my lips to pool on the bedsheets. I avert my eyes quickly.

"In a moment."

I take a final look around my room before floating away into my mother and stepfather's as well as into Shuichi's.

My final good-byes, I suppose.

I turn then to Hinageshi, who has followed me through all this.

"I'm ready."

"You don't want to see anyone else? Any of your friends? Yuusuke or Kuwabara or Hiei?"

I smile thinly.

"I've been saying good-bye to them for far too long now."

She nods slightly.

"I see. Hop on up, then."

I do so, settling myself behind Hinageshi before voicing a question to which, in my heart, I already know the answer to.

"Where is Botan?"

The girl before me hesitates, clutching the front of the oar until her knuckles turn white. Her head is bowed.

"You know," she begins. "You made her cry. She said… that she couldn't do it."

And that is all I need to hear.

--

**Author's Space**

I know at least one person cried and at least four people are mad at me for killing him off this way. 'Fess up.

Soundtrack: _Helena_ by My Chemical Romance and _Sophomore Slump or Comeback of the Year_ by Fall Out Boy.

Sorry for the delay. This chapter had to be absolutely perfect. However, my laptop is broken again (I'm using my cousin's desktop), I couldn't find anything on overdoses except for the effects of depressants and illegal drugs (had to make most of the stuff up…aheh…), and I've got a new project to work on (for which there is a shameless plug at the bottom).

Yes, yes, the scene with Shiori is _just_ so cliché. Whatever. It had to happen. I tried to have it as _just_ a dialogue, no thoughts or actions, but it didn't work because I'm not skilled like that.

Was _going_ to have Ghost!Kurama visit Kuwabara (I feel guilty that he's only showed up once in this fic) and they'd have a conversation or something, but it didn't work out…

Well. There are two more chapters to go, but that'll be in one post. So. Review or flame or something.

--

**Thank You**

**Evene**, **samuraiduck27**, **IwuvMyKenshyPoo, GreenEyedFloozy, KaraKurama**, **Silverlie**, **Tenshi No Koori**, **purplehairedwonder**, **Kuranga108**, **Kyoka**, **ineXpressible**, **Amaya of The Rain**, **Aya-chan** – Thank you all for your support. I'm sad that this fic is coming to a close the next time I update. It really encourages me, though, that you all enjoyed it up to this point. So thanks again.

**Bluespark** – Heh. Thank you, thank you. WIP stands for 'work in progress'. Took me _such _a long time to figure that out…

**Kooriya Yui** – Aha… I'm glad you're starting to love it and I'm glad you think Kurama seems genuine. :_smile_: Thanks so much. Coming from a talented author such as yourself, it's just an awesome inflation of my ego. :_grin_:

**Kuramafan-06** – Ooh. Hope you're feeling better by now. You're very right, and your review made me rethink the ending that I wrote for this story. Unfortunately, Kurama is also, as you said, "being selfish and stupid… again." :_sheepish_ _grin_: WIP means 'work in progress'. Oh, so your first language is Spanish? That's so cool! Yeah, sure you can add me to Yahoo messenger (not that I know how to use it, but…). I'm under icephoenixtohma. So, thanks for all your reviews!

**SunStar Kitsune** – Well… His demon blood isn't going to do much, to tell the truth… Thanks for reviewing…

**Niana Kuonji** – Thanks so much for your review. Thanks, too, for your insight. You're right about saying farewell to Shiori, so that's why I wrote that first part of this chapter. _Tried_ to make it into a farewell, but I'm not sure if it came out that way.

**KyoHana** – I… I _love_ you:_cough_: Er, well, Kurama's a complex guy. A lot of fanfiction writers tend to forget that he _is_ human (at least in a sense) and that humanity has tons of flaws, no matter how much any of us try to hide them. But… :_shrug_: Dunno. But thanks so much.

**blackrose kitsune – **Yeah. I tried to deviate from the normal by using Yuusuke. He's such a fun character, anyway. Hiei isn't going to show up, no. I wanted him to, but there just wasn't the opportunity. Thanks so much.

**The Amazing Tsu-chan** – Hey, that's not stupid logic! That was the logic that my 14-going-on-15 year old mind came up with! Then I turned 15 and I decided to ditch that idea. :_grin_: Thanks for reviewing…

**A lilmatchgirl** – Yeah. Boring is right. That was probably my favorite twist, though. He's a perfect, adoring son, except… not. :_grin_: Thanks for reviewing!

**Jesanae Tekani** – Yaaay! My 200th reviewer! I would have dedicated this chapter to you, but I really doubt anyone would actually _want_ this chapter dedicated to them… :_nervouslaugh_: So, er, thanks so much!

--

_Shameless Plug_: Well, okay. Recently, my cousin (rogueicephoenix) and I got this joint account under the name **plotbunnytohma** (don't ask). If you're into _Fruits Basket_ and want to read an AU, we're putting up our first joint effort, _Folding Cranes_, sometime soon. So. Check it out. Or something.

Love, fluorescent 


	19. Interlude: Finality is Forever

**Once Upon a Razorblade**

Disclaimer: I own no part of Yu Yu Hakusho. But steal my plot and you will suffer.

_Interlude: Finality is Forever_

**--**

_Botan stands in the doorway, her somber and quickly tearing eyes intent on watching the redhead as he slowly signs his name on the final written page of the leather-bound book before closing the covers._

_"It's finished," she hears him whisper, placing his hands on the cover and tracing the silvery designs with the tips of his fingers. "It's finally finished."_

_A sigh, long and dredged out from his being, escapes from between his parted lips._

_He turns towards the door and Botan presses her back to the wall quickly, covering her mouth as the sobs come like gasps, and the tears run down her face in rivulets._

_Kurama, inside, catches the faintest glimpse of cotton candy blue, and tries not to sigh, not to hear the muffled crying._

_"It's finished, Koenma."_

_As if on cue, the prince of the Spirit World sweeps in to the room, ignoring Botan, and to Kurama, plucking the book from the red-head's hands with the utmost reverence._

_"Thank you, Kurama. If you would please follow me to my office for the sentencing...?"_

_The demon hesitates for a moment._

_"May I speak with her?"_

_Koenma sighs, pressing his lips together to form a white line, considering it._

_"Fine."_

_Kurama rises and slowly walks out to Botan._

_"Botan. You will see Yuusuke and the others, will you not?"_

_She nods, tear-drenched hand still over her mouth._

_"Tell them to read it. Not the whole thing—not if it's too much to handle. Just the last few pages. It's for all of you."_

_Botan nods again._

_"It's for all of you," he repeats quietly, almost to himself before he turns to Koenma._

_And Botan watches as Kurama walks down the hallway, rubbing an absent finger along his wrist as he makes his way to his final judgement._

_And she knows she will never see him again._

_--_

**Author's Space**

Sountrack: _PREDILECTION_, by Kappei Yamaguchi. God, I'm obsessed with that song.

I'll put everything down here, just because I don't want to end my first multi-chapter fic with author's notes. Here goes.

First things first. I would like to thank each and every reader and reviewer for _everything_. You have my deepest gratitude and the assurance that I'll miss you all.

Second things second. Sorry this wasn't up sooner. I intended for it to go up a few days after chapter 18, but between computer troubles and my new job (8.30 in the morning to 6 at night… ugh…), I've been pretty swamped. I'm currently recovering from killed feet and slight sunburn (dammit!)…

Third things third. An explanation. To the people who are expecting the next chapter to be about the wake or the sentencing, I apologize. You'll have to judge him for yourselves. About the wake, though. Remember that this fic is a first-person narrative, all from Kurama's perspective. He wouldn't go to his wake. Remember that the only reason why Yuusuke went to _his_ wake was because he was trying to decide whether or not to take Koenma up on the offer to return to life.

However. I'm currently trying (yes, _trying_) to write a one-shot regarding what happens to everyone else. If you want to know what happens, just keep an eye out for it (though God knows when it'll actually come out).

Fourth things fourth. I may decide to respond to reviews for this and the next chapter by email. It depends. Addresses (email, not home) are helpful in this scenario (hint?).

Thanks, once again, for everything. Please review for this chapter, or at least the next.

--

**Responses**

**Kuranga108, purplehairedwonder, Something Spiffy, mouko mizaki, ineXpressible, KyoHana, Demon of Evilness, Jesanae Tekani, IwuvMyKenshyPoo, Aya-chan** – You've all given me such wonderful support. I'm so thankful you decided to read _Once Upon a Razorblade_. Thanks.

**blackrose kitsune** – Surprises are the highlight of my life. _:laugh:_ Hm. I can't seem to remember writing that. But I guess at that point, it really wasn't just for the heck of it… Don't know. Thanks for all your support, and keep writing _A Glass Rose_!

**SunStar Kitsune** – Dagger, huh? That's a pretty good way, too, though quite a few other people have done it. Thanks so much for all your reviews!

**Evene** – _Helena_ rocks. _:nodnod:_ Oh, that's interesting… Wish I'd known that beforehand. I'm not good at looking stuff up on the Internet, though… Thanks so much for your reviews! They're much appreciated.

**Bluespark** – :laugh: I wouldn't cry a lot if my brother was present, either. :grin: Evil is my specialty. Thanks so much for your support!

**Insane Chipmunk** – Sounds like an interesting book. The only thing that I've ever read that's remotely similar to this is _Death Be Not Proud_, by John Gunther. Who is _Tuesdays With Morrie_ by? I'd like to check it out. Thanks so much for your reviews!

**A lilmatchgirl** – Ah. Yes. I don't like writing that way, dragging things out and all… Yes! Exactly! I got the idea of the Botan-guilt from watching the Karasu vs. Kurama episode where she was breaking down because she didn't want to have to take him so soon after Genkai… Sad… I dunno. I think Kurama's just that kind of guy. Composure in the face of death… Ice-cold kitsune, indeed! Anyway, thanks so much for your reviews!

**The Amazing Tsu-chan** – Heh. You're right. Sure, go ahead and print it out. But just out of sheer curiosity, what're you going to do with it? Thanks for reading and reviewing and everything!

**mumyou nanashi** – Thanks. Yeah, the chapters are rather short, aren't they? Especially these last two. Ouch. Anyway. Thanks so much. I'll be waiting for those mondo comments:laugh:

**samuraiduck27** – I KNEW IT! Ah, just kidding. Thanks for all the support and reviews!

**Kuramafan-06** – Er, thank you! I—er—love you, too:laugh: Ouch. Someone's been messing with my phone line, too. It rings when I'm still online and stuff… Grr…

_love for always,_

_fluorescent_


	20. Epilogue: Memories Are For Sanity

**Once Upon a Razorblade**

Disclaimer: I own no part of Yu Yu Hakusho. But steal my plot and you will suffer.

**Epilogue: Memories Are For Sanity**

--

I don't particularly understand what Koenma was trying to accomplish by using this as a portion of my sentence. What could he have thought I would do?

Repent?

No. I realize that it is better this way. Better to die now rather than later. After all, the more time I spent, sick and dying, the more hearts I would break, the more pain I would cause.

I know that this does not justify my actions. I know that suicide, a cowardly death not in the face of adversity but in the face of fate, is a sin.

However, no matter where I am sentenced to reside, I accept my fate. I accept the pain, and I accept the blame. I accept it all.

Because, at least, I have the memories of my lives long past. I have the memories of being the Spirit Fox, the King of Thieves, and of Makai, and of other things. And I have the memories of my earthbound life. I have memories of the people I have met and befriended, and I have memories of happiness.

I have memories of terror and pain. I have memories of hatred, despair, and loathing. I have memories, too, of a razorblade that seemed so innocent but which evolved into a situation that grew completely out of my control.

And as long as I have those memories, perhaps… I will remain sane.

But to those I left behind – Yuusuke, Kuwabara, Hiei, the others who will read this, and even those who won't – I have only this request of you:

Find happiness without me.

--

_end_


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